Videsi Parenting

An American brain

2010-05-26T00:34:00.003-04:00

My nephew is about 5 years old. He loves rasam, but not the mustard seeds used to temper the rasam. He would pick each one off if he got any on his plate saying he does not like the black balls.

One evening, his mom made rasam tempered with mustard and cumin but the tempering burnt a little. She tried to pick off the mustard seeds before serving her son. But he managed to find one, which he picked off... So mommy asks, "oh you got a black ball"? to which he replied.. "no mommy, I got a black football!". oh the joys of raising children in USofA.

--as narrated to me by my sister.

Spend the penny, forgo the pounds

2010-04-09T23:45:00.002-04:00

We were talking about something my 15 year old used to do as a child.. dashing around the house or some such.. when he wistfully says "yeah, those were good times, we were rich then".

I was rather stunned to hear that statement. We now make more than we did 12 years ago, have a bigger house (yeah bigger mortgage); all indicators of "richness". But I always thought kids can say the darnedest of things but they were also usually dead center.

Then I felt really bad.. In getting a bigger house, education, better vacation, maybe we've lost sight of the richness of life.

I picked him up a few days later from something, when he wanted to stop at Rita's the local ice cream place. I happily took him.. did not protest when he got a large with whipped cream. I even brought back ice creams for everyone else at home.

Then later on in the week, I took my older one to giant, our local grocery.. bought him food he wanted, let him pick out his dinner from the salad bar dismissing the voice saying I can easily fix it at home for a fraction of the cost. I did not look for sale signs or for nutrition values. He was so happy and the bill was a much easier burden to bear than the guilt I was facing earlier.

Simple pleasures are all children need, not expensive vacation, cars or homes. I know college expenses are looming ahead, but we will manage. Meanwhile, when the weather gets warm and the ice cream truck comes by, I will happily buy my children the unhealthy-overpriced ice cream for simple pleasures.

Parenting books

2009-10-06T23:55:00.001-04:00

I borrowed some parenting books for some tips and tricks to stay ahead of the game.. I found a coupla neat ideas.. I bide my time and one morning I spring it on my older one..

He goes.. wait a minute, you know I read that book too. Maybe you shouldn't leave your aces lying around you know!

oh well. at least he knows I'm trying.

Funny incident

2009-10-06T23:49:00.002-04:00

My 14 yr old's phone is out of commission.. he borrows mine occasionally when he needs it. I come home to get back my phone and see three missed calls from my younger one.. So I ask him why/what he needed me for etc..

he goes.. well you didn't answer! It went to your voice mail twice then the third time a man with a deep voice answered.. So I just hung up.

As it turns out, he was calling from upstairs, answered by my computer-playing don't disturb me older one.. Man with a deep voice indeed!

Reading with a teen

2009-09-11T00:21:00.002-04:00

when kids are little, parents read to them. (some parents read to their yet unborn child hoping to catch em young).. I did not start on the cloth books, but did do the Dr.Seuss routine (I can still recite the foot book and the green eggs and ham!).. followed by some other board books such as Richard Scarry's busytown books and curious george.
One day my son figured out he could read for himself. Empowered, he devoured the books we had around and started picking out his own books. At that point, I stepped aside and one day soon I did not know what he was reading. I vaguely remember seeing Junie B Jones, magic tree house, star wars, captain underpants.. japanese cartoon books, pokemon, yugioh, manga etc.
Along came Harry Potter - a big book. I read part of book to my kid until he figured out when you can read, you can read any book. Since then I have not interfered with my kids' reading. The younger one picks up any book off the shelf and reads parts of it to see if he is interested.. and abandons if it does not hold his interest.
Recently one day, I realized that I do not read to my kids anymore.. or interact with them on the matter of books.. mainly because I have no interest in reading Brisingr or other monster books. So i picked up one of my older son's books and started reading it. This led to a discussion on the book that I felt was rather productive. Soon, the younger one comes up to me and hands over Ender's game, a book he has read 20 times and says "This is a good book; I suggest you read it"!
Sound familiar? I thoroughly enjoy reading the books my kids picked out for me because I am their mother and also because they benefit from the ensuing conversation - even if they lead it... since they've read other books in the series. More power to them!

Funny

2009-06-17T23:40:00.004-04:00

Unfortunately this has to be in tamil.. apologize to those non-speakers of tamil.

My aunt's little girl (about 2 years old then) called her uncle saying:

LG: ai! inga vaa da
My aunt: Don't say that. mariyaadaya pesanum!
LG: ok! ai! mariyaadaya inga vaa da!!

Now.. I am not making this up! nejum! kids do say the darnedest of things.

teenage

2009-06-17T23:17:00.003-04:00

Can one say enough about this phase? I remember thinking to myself what a hype the "teen" phenomenon is.. and that my kid would not exhibit any of these dire predictions. After all, I don't remember having a particularly hard teen-time. Boy was I wrong..
I remember struggling with authority starting at around 13 years of age.. mostly me treating the kid still like a non-teen.. making decisions without consulting - after all 13 year old habit is hard to break. I remember getting upset when my plans were discarded just because.. I remember asking everyone who cared to listen "why the rebellion?" - seemed so unnecessary and self defeating. Tug of wars.. slammed doors.. random tears.. moodiness.. binge eating.. is this what the teen is all about!
Earlier, when the kid got into a fit, I gave him a timeout to get over it.. Now, I started the same technique, varying it only slightly in that when the kid got into a fit, I gave myself a timeout. When there was a willful act of "teen 'mis' behavior", I went shopping.
Then one day things started to click in my brain. What is happening is the need for more independence.. more involvement in decision making.. while at the same time, testing limits/rules that have been set for years to see if there would be consequences. Teen time is a time to hang out with their own friends, not children of parents' friends, not in a group of parents and children (which is ok once in a while).
What I've learned so far is to wait out an outburst, while being firm on rules. If rules get broken, do not bring up the topic right away, but wait until the child is relaxed and is able to listen to you. Believe it or not, the child knows very well that the rule is being broken and will only get more defensive if it is brought up at the time and may result in deterioration of the situation. Patience, a lot of patience on the part of the parent will get you through your kid's teen years. Helps if you are really busy with something else other than the child as the primary focus. Now would be a great time to take up your favorite hobby!!

hmm. a grain of truth!

2009-06-07T07:12:00.002-04:00

My younger was going on a field trip to Philly.. I happened to be at the library and figured I'd pick up a book on philly, the liberty bell etc. This turned out to be one of those rare instances where the cup met the lip.. Shankar and I read the book together, which, I found fascinating also.. to see how the rights we enjoy in America really came about and the enterprising and public spirited tenacity of the folks then.
About two days later the little guy left on his field trip and I questioned him on his return as to how it was and if he learnt a lot etc. more pointedly, "Did reading about all the background help you understand/learn more" to which he says:
"amma, what we makes sense for business. for me, learning about all this earlier only made the trip even more boring because they told us about what I had already read."
"So next time we should maybe not preread.."

hmmph!

child abuse?

2009-05-08T00:52:00.002-04:00

took me a while to write this because I was haunted by the scene.. Am I over reacting or being unusually sensitive. you be the judge. All I know is it hit a sensitive nerve in me.

Scene is a metro station in DC. It was after rush hour and spring break in some parts of the country. Several tourists with little and not so little children.

I see two families with 4 children ranging from ages say 5-9 traveling together. The board reads that a train is due to arrive in 5 minutes. The children are curious and go near the edge to peer over. They are within the safety line demarcated by officials visually.. so really speaking safe for the moment unless they lunge forward.. or do something stupid.

The parents ask that the children step back.. and they do. but one little girl (about 6) does not. The mother then tells her that she only has to say something once and that she would have to teach the girl to obey. She yanks the little girl by her hair and pulls her to the adults.

The girl is then seen silently crying hiding behind the father. The father looks helpless. Yes, it must have hurt to be yanked like that, but what really hurt the little girl is being treated like that, losing face in front of strangers, friends or cousins or whoever.. I guess the father took the easy way out rather than stand up to his kid!! I know mothers are worried, stressed etc etc.. but wasn't there a better way to get the kid to be near you. After all, you are only about 2 feet from the kid!

The scene is imprinted in my brain, serving as a lesson for me to not yell or treat my children badly over anything, especially stupid things like grades, homework, dawdling.. God knows they are kids for only a short time!

excuses of a poet

2009-02-12T10:03:00.002-05:00

Poetry assignment requires the child write 10 peoms. This is classwork done over a period of time. By the end of the quarter, my 5th grader submitted 4 peoms. Teacher is disappointed and asks why this happened, to which he just shrugs. So, the teacher sends me an email and I ask my son why he did not respond to the teacher.
He just shrugs. By then I am frustrated also trying to delve into the root of the problem.
I then say to him "you should have some excuse.. you ran out of time or.. a writer's block..."
He: "yeah, I ran out of time, ok?"
Me:"Understood! if you gave me that excuse after doing 9 or 9.5 poems, great! not with just 4!"
He: Mmm. how about a "poet's block?" Will you accept that?
I gave up! go figure!

copyright infringement indeed

2009-02-11T10:23:00.005-05:00

I had to write this down before I forgot. My younger son, a 5th grader, is an avid reader, but, when it comes to his writing skills, there is plenty of room for improvement. It is not bad, but it takes him a long time to write neatly. And teacher from school would like him to work on his writing due to a recent incident with an incomplete poetry project.. (another story in itself).

Anyway, I decide it is high time I implement the handwriting task I've been threatening him with all these months. So, willy nilly, at 1015pm, we sit down after finding a fresh notebook. I said I'd dictate while folding the laundery -killing two birds in one so to speak. Then I had a brainwave, "let's do the book you're required to read, that way, we can kill three birds in one!!" I said. The said book was not to be found anywhere.. After about 15 minutes of searching, we finally find it and sit down again at 1040pm. He is super sleepy by then and I am sleepier still.. But, I am also determined.

I bring out the laundery and start dictation. After about 4 sentences, my younger son asks, "amma.. isn't it illegal to copy out of a copyrighted book? I think it is called copyright infringement or something." Nice Try Mister.. were I not so tired, I'd have laughed and hugged my son, not just barked out that "we are not trying to sell the first 4 lines of the book, please get on with it." or somthing to that effect.

I did give him a break though! He wrote down a couple more sentences and we both went to bed happy to have at least made the attempt.

Power of a label

2009-02-01T01:09:00.002-05:00

Took a while, but it finally hit us. The pull of name brands. When my older son was little, his pediatrician told us to indulge him w/ name brand shoes since they would minimize his slight outward turn of his feet. He mentioned that that was one area where we'd want to give in to pressure. My thoughts then, what pressure.. ? my kids wear what I buy.. maybe girls were more demanding.

Well, finally my older son asked for a northface jacket.. I normally buy their clothes at target or kohls. So, I thought I'd take a look at nf. The jacket he wanted was so ordinary.. lands end had a better deal for a better jacket. Excitedly, I showed him the "winter sale".. But no, he wanted nf, even tho' we couldnt really find his size. The biggest kids jacket would be a tad bit too small on the wrist. "You know, I need to be able to stand up to other kids with their nice clothes etc" "I can't be the worst dressed in the entire class" (all this when newspapers are full of articles about how teachers are funding some of the kids' weekend meals.. and I can personally attest to the tripling of prices of groceries in our area!)

Anyways, I buckled in after a couple months of negotiating.. I wanted to order from an online vendor.. But no, apparently these online vendors sold jackets that were fake.. the proof was that the logo was only on the front, not front and back!! the only place to go was to nf.com.. (more $$$) "now you know why this other site is offering it for a discounted price!"

I stood my ground, promising to return a single faced logo jacket. When it came, my son tried it on -once.. it was too short on the wrist as we predicted. And it had two logos!! "Aw.. I can't wear that!".. alright.. now I have to do an RMA to return the stupid jacket!

when little brother (smarty pants) pipes in "you should've known it was fake when it said "Northface" on both sides" Shouldn't it have said "Southface on one side and Northface on the other?"...

oh well there are some light moments to parenting after all.. how else can a parent come out of this experience still loving their children!

Teenage

2009-01-23T23:22:00.004-05:00

I'm having a hard time with my teen.. Duh! Anway, I happened to pick up a book called "Do hard things", a book written by 16 year old twins.. The 16 year olds had started a blog protesting against the societal culture encouraging teens to be under achievers, basically by condoning substandard attitude, by expecting less from teens, the society is doing the teens harm. My thoughts exactly.

I really believe the kids in middle school (grades 6-8 here) are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for. I think we need to start treating them as adults in some aspects. They demand more independence, give it to them along with the responsibility!

A background about the authors, Alex and Brett Harris, home schooled kids (Duh!), religious. Apparently their dad gave them a whole stack of books to read for summer and they got inspired. I tried to get my older son to read this one book, which he flatly refused. Of course, if I hadn't asked him to, he would have read it just because it was around. my kids are obviously not home schooled.. However, I've read excerpts to my younger son. yet to finish the book even though it is an easy read, just think it has been written by kids, for kids.

Parents or tyrants?

2009-01-23T22:57:00.002-05:00

Just got done with a book titled "A l'heure de la premiere etoile". It is about a character Lucien, and his relationship with his daughter and son. The son leaves home one day without taking leave and the daughter visits once in a while, out of a sense of duty.

Lucien finally figures out that he had done wrong by his children, in trying to make them live like he did.. take up his farm. He never listened to what his children liked or disliked, rather ruled like a tyrant, without having to raise his voice.

Good read in any case.. raised some issues in self! I look around me and feel that kids are rather homogeneous, girls go to dance class, music class, (piano is popular!) boys to karate; every asian kid sorta goes to kumon, some sports in the picture.. tennis maybe.. and of course dinners every weekend either at neighbors or at an indian/italian restaurant.

My older son finally broke down and told me he never really liked piano.. of course he wanted to learn at one point and begged to go since his friends were all learning.. but I am relieved that he realized he never really liked it and was able to tell me so. I think having just finished the above book, I was more receptive to what he had to say and didn't internalize his works as a failure on my part.
My parents never had to face these issues since the only class I was forced to go to was the dreadful typewriting class when I was in college. I still shudder how I never managed to get the forms right. I took up music on and off, ok more off than on (but then I was never driven there and watched over by my parents).

தமிழ் fonts

2009-01-19T10:39:00.001-05:00

ஹி! ஹி!!

A small matter of trust

2008-11-23T21:55:00.002-05:00

As a parent, do you trust your child? If yes, how much? Do you give them the room to explore and grow..?

obviously, we are not talking about extreme cases of endangerment.. specifically, teenagers like to explore and have a say in what they do. It is so hard to trust that your child will do the right thing. But I feel it is the right thing to let your child arrive at a decision, giving them the room to explore, make mistakes etc.

thoughts?

Joys of motherhood

2008-10-10T00:49:00.002-04:00

I've never somehow been happy with my hairstyle -the length, to bob or not to bob.. whatnot.
I go really traditional, and long to have really long hair. At some point it turns scraggly on me and I chop it all off -get away with this under the guise of donating my hair to cancer patients..

I was in one of those moods. Guess things weren't working out like I wanted or maybe I was bored or depressed and really wanted a Change (notice the capital C?)

I take it out on my hair - have the hair dresses chop it all off to a what used to be known as boycut.. even though the hairdresser thought it was too much hair off at one time..

So I get back home and walk in as if stuff is really normal.. my head is lighter after all!
My younger son, about 3 that that time looks at me strangely for a little while.
Finally he walks up to me and asks:
"Are you my mother?"

such innocence - lifted me straight out of my moody self! indeed one of the joys of motherhood.

On Authoring

2008-09-19T14:27:00.003-04:00

A friend recently suggested that I should read Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. My brain OD'd on Bengali authors, discarded the suggestion.. Got home to start yet another bengla writer converstation.. But curiosity got the better of me and I did go out and read a book of CBD in one sitting..
But wait a min, this is a parenting blog.. so what's the deal?
Well.. my younger son happened to see the book (Sister of my heart) on the table and he said he knew what the book was all about. The book had a small pic of two indian women on the cover.
He went on fabricating a story -eerily close to the orignial globally speaking - but then asked permission to inject some unrealistic fiction into the story (Thanks to schools for the nomenclature) and the story took on a familiar tone of alchemists and monsters.
There may be some hope for Tamilian (Am-Tam) authors in English -in the near future:)

School, Yay!

2008-08-30T09:13:00.002-04:00

Kids are finally back in school..

As a parent, I'd like to ban summer vacation - three months of idle kids.. I know, teachers need the time off (although I'd be unhappy to not get paid 3 months of the year) and I know kids need unstructured time to develop their creativity and obviously there are summer camps (being paid 3 months of summer, I should be able to afford that)..

but sometimes I wonder.. I remember summers filled with cousins, playing with stones or marbles... school for that matter was not very taxing.. spent a good part dreaming. So, what is the matter with summer here?

Have kids inherently changed so much that they are somehow different now? I doubt it..
Has society changed that it is more an indoorsy life for kids..? yah.. partly true, but not quite..
Working parents..? my parents worked too..
Displaed kids not finding enough company at home..? not quite true..
Worrying parents? or rather worrying parent..? there is some truth to that I suspect. I don't seem to like children wasting time-so to speak. They should either be productivly (sp?) involved in either studying, making friends, playing sports etc.. to the point where unstructured play has a certain value in its quality..

hmm.. not sure I've pinned it down yet.

The kids are alright.. repeat, The kids are alright!!

Managing Anger -Parenting by example

2008-08-08T21:17:00.003-04:00

The best way to help children manage anger is for parents to set an example. Every time a parent gets angry at another, children watch and imitate when the time comes.
I used to ask the children to do a chore or particular work repeatedly and then slowly the decibel level rises. I soon noticed my older son doing the same with his brother. I would count down to get them to start their work (sometimes with clenced teeth). Sure enough, I see the kids doing the same one day.
So we sat and talked. My younger one, who expresses himself very well most times, told me that he didn't like it when I shouted or when I counted. So.. we came to an agreement that I would not raise my voice, nor count and that they would remind me when I started to.
Now.. "it's don't make me raise my voice" or "you are starting to raise your voice".. I've noticed that my kids also stopped raising their voices.

Driving!

2008-08-03T22:50:00.004-04:00

Another favorite subject at our house with my older son.. Started a few years ago with comments like "Only 7 more years before I drive".. "When can I sit in the front seat.. on the driver's side?" "Can I drive in the school parking lot on weekends?" (the last when he was still in elementary school).
Another one: "Do I have a say in what kind of car we get? After all I'm going to be inheriting it!" (Yeah!!)
Recently one warm summer day -I'd volunteered to help out at the swim team banquet.. went in earlier to drop off my cooler -ended up staying to help - rushing home to get the kids and grandma to the banquet .. to get back in time to my duties I'd signed up for.
When we got to the car, grandma realizes she left something at home and had to go back.. when my 13 year old piped up..
Amma, you are late - you go on in.. I'll take paati home.
It was tempting, but I realized it'd be a long walk esp for grandma.. so I go.. "you can't walk there with paati, and back"..
for which he replies.. "No, I'll just drive home and be back in a few minutes".. just like that!
Another gentleman had just pulled up beside us and he started laughing when he heard my son's words.
I was confused thinking I should let the gentleman know that I don't, never would, let my 13 year old drive and also trying to come up with a suitably acid response to my son's "matter-of-fact" tone.
I managed to come up with a weak "Nice Try"!! guiltily...

summer

2008-08-02T21:48:00.002-04:00

This summer has been up and down for us. We were all very very busy the first part with swim team 6 days a week and summer away camps.. I spent hours on the pool deck waiting, timing, driving kids to away meets -all that a dedicated mother would do.
Soon camps ended, swim team was over.. I heaved a sigh of relief, thinking I could finally work normal hours instead of leaving before I was fully awake in order to get back in time for activities. Packed weekends with hikes and tent camping activities.
The kids were left to their own devices during the week.. with me working from home now and then.
The kids would wake up sometime between noon and 2pm. Then play Wii (kindly loaned to us by my sis) and PS2 and then some PC. I got super tired of this within a few days. Computer is duly locked up and PS2 put away. Kids then stayed in bed until about 2-3 reading.. then played some wii.. I/dad started taking them out to play pool, tennis, bowling, pingpong...in the evenings. tiring after a day at work, but better than having to put up with Attitude after a laazzy day.
I'm really looking forward to first day of school. next year, i hope to read this post and shell out the dough for all summer camp or send them away on a vacation ;) so I can spend the time pining for them.

Over-scheduled kids Part II

2008-07-21T21:40:00.003-04:00

alright, this is part II because I realized I'd veered off the article I was citing.. totally.. So, getting back on track..

The news article talked about the number of AP classes the kids of overachieving parents were taking in high school and in college - and the types of colleges these kids were getting into. These kids were into multiple sports such as swimming, lacrosse, tennis, holding down babysitting and other jobs, volunteering, playing in chess leagues and getting homework/projects done for challenging classes - at the cost of a few less hours of sleep. The kids thrive on a full schedule, with parents participating in peripheral support activities. All towards gaining a foothold in an ivy league school, where they'll have to slog even more.

This hits a raw nerve for me.. My kids are not in High school yet.. but my 7th grader has some HS credits already. And I've been told that he needs to take AP classes in HS in order to secure a place in a good school. I know I don't want to spend $$$$ towards college tuition.. so my preference would be for him to get at least part scholarship. And, I definitely can see myself wanting him to go to a good school -though I dont really know how to discern this having studies abroad.

But, I know this, my older son did not do well in a magnet program in 4/5 grade, esp in 5th grade, a year he missed a lot of school due to family reasons and the curriculum was so rigorous that he never made up the classes he missed. And he felt a lot of pressure from other overachieving kids in his class, not because he was any worse or better, just because he did not want to do the level of work to compete with them. He is much happier in a regular middle school in 6/7th grade with a heavier schedule that some others.. He does not get straight As, but loves to learn and pushes himself to do better. He learns around his subjects, gaining depth, taking time to explore, make mistakes, learn from his mistakes. He does push me in the sense he wants to do so much. Yes, that does put him into the "overachieving" bucket, but I feel this is different.. He doesn't target his activities towards his chosen track.. but rather enjoys challenging himself, be it in sports or puttering around making tasers from wood and nails, sewing pillows for foot rest or cooking tv dinners for the family. And he does volunteer at an animal shelter because I wouldn't let him have a pet at home..
There are days I search myself to see if I am somehow doing damage in the long term.. I urge him to get 8 hours of sleep each day at the very least and limit his sport to one team sport and swimming for exercise. I almost never sit down w/ him for homework or even monitor his tests/assignments. But we do get busy with two kids doing the music/sports/homework and the younger one in scouting.
Is this justified? Sanity check.

Over-scheduled kids Part I

2008-07-15T09:06:00.005-04:00

Recently read an an article in the local paper about over scheduled kids (guess it's that time of the year when colleges are picked and course load is determined).
I've always been bothered by this aspect, sitting on the fence. Morally, it bothers me that the only sports my children play are team/league oriented sports. Yeah, and occasionally some playtime in the community pool or shoot a few hoops. But this is definitely not the norm in our house. A game of frisbee tends to get boring if it is caught or if it gets thrown with abandon.
Our kids are in one team sport per season and one individual sport/activity. Plus music lesson, one instrument each.. some TV time, homework time.. lots of reading (biweekly treks to the public library).
This has also resulted in my kids not getting involved in a clique (sp?) - used to be not too unhappy with the situation since they can stay out of trouble.. some kids apparently get into due to not involving themselves in afterschool activities (heresay).
And since these kids don't go out everyday, they are unable to just go out and play when they can with the clique kids.?
Whenever they approach some of their friends from school on the evenings they are free, their friends are busy with their activities -with literally no overlapping free time.

Motivating your children

2008-07-06T20:40:00.005-04:00

I recently got some advice from an experienced mother whose children are now grown up and successful in life.
Her words to me were as follows (paraphrased):

Do not spend all your time managing your children. There is no end to it and you are not doing anyone any favors by this. Do your part and let your children do theirs. In her case, she would leave to do some volunteer work on weekends leaving her children with chores or schoolwork, which she expects to be done when she gets back. The children have the freedom to schedule their time accordingly.
Do not spend time nagging your children to do their work. If you limit their work to two activities and emphasize education, everything will get done and your children will not be a "jack of all trades.. master of none".
It'll all work out. You only have to provide the motivation and encouragement.

Definitely made me think... I will try to:

treat my pre-teen and teen as individuals who need guidance and motivation. (I feel sometime we end up treating colleagues and neighbors better than we treat our own kids)
allow my kids to express their needs and let them schedule their work (help with the scheduling maybe)
give my children the opportunity to show they can motivate themselves
definitely expect more from my children (self motivation) from now on.. without being disappointed if they don't do as much as I'd have liked them to do.

The last sentence will need to be rewritten someday to clarify. A disconnect between my thoughts and the words - guess I need to think this through some more.

I am not who I want to be!!

2008-07-05T10:26:00.005-04:00

Here's how the conversation went one morning at the breakfast table:

S: My friend B is allowed to play PS2 everyday, while we (his bro and him) are only allowed in summer and school break. It's unfair!!

Me: Well, your buddy C does not own a PS2.

S: Well I am not C!

Me: Well you are not B either!

S: But you see, I want to be B, but you won't let me! You are trying to make me someone I am not!

Big bro A: Exactly! Me too! you are making us someone who we are not!

Launcher book

2008-06-03T23:04:00.006-04:00

I was casually skimming through a book when a sentence caught my attention. The author mentions that an individual's love for reading stems from one or two books. This can happen in various stages of life -from childhood to adulthood. Got me chewing my lip..
I can definitely think back to the first books I've read and enjoyed so much that I had to keep reading the entire series. My launcher books would be Enid Blyton's Famous Five series. Growing up I used to absolutely loathe history until I started reading Tintin and Asterisk comics.
My older son's launcher book was The Foot Book by Dr.Seuss. In fact, I can still remember all the words in order!. He also loved a four box set of the Busytown books by Richard Scarry esp., the Firefighter's Busy Day.
As for my younger one, he never let us read to him as a baby, would grab the book out of our hands and make up a story from the pictures. But one day he discovered Tintin and Asterisk. He was hooked! Now he is a voracious reader, appreciating the difficulty in reading Huck Finn in original, willing to work at it.
Comic Book to Classics is not an impasse. I still long for an Banana sundae a la Archie comics while reading Breton - although I do not really like the complicated tastes in a sundae nor the complicated images in Breton (hopefully my prof is not reading this!).
To me this illustrates how serendipitious reading can be. As parents, we can only expose the children to a variety of books and let the children take it from there.

Reading and writing

2008-06-03T22:42:00.002-04:00

Back from a long break. After a tough class, I almost swore off of reading and writing. But old habits die hard. I've written on many topics just in my head, now that I sit down to blog, I have memory loss. Guess I didn't put it on autosave ;)
Anyhow.. school's winding down here. Summer reading begins. We always diligently sign up at the local library for summer reading, but so far have never filled out the log -obviously nothing to turn in. Why not? you ask..
My kids have never willingly written anything. They love to read and I've been able to discuss with them some of the few I've also read, but when asked to write, it will somehow get set aside. At school, most assignments have a scoring rubric. The older one follows it to the T! "It only says two sentences, you know! no extra points for an extra sentence!".
My lecture that a rubric is a helpful tool to help cover all important aspects of the topic is met with a silence from the sofa - the kids have long disappeared at the beginning of my sentence!
So, I gave up. My excuse, writing is to put down original thoughts on a subject. Children do not have enough experience to draw from their frame of reference to write about a book. They may enjoy the work, but do not have much to say about it.
Plus today's writing in a business world is all powerpoint using bulleted entries anyway..
Sour grapes?

Children Learn What they Live

2008-04-14T13:09:00.005-04:00

The parent Checklist made me think of this poem. I first read this poem posted on the fridge at one my friend's house several years ago. I really liked the words in it. It is often difficult to remember to follow, but the words make a lot of sense.

Children Learn What They Live

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn what envy is.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

If children live with encouragement, they learn to be confident.

If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to find love in the world.

If children live with recognition, they learn to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn to be generous.

If children live with honesty and fairness, they learn what truth and justice are.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those around them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If children live with serenity, they learn to have peace of mind.

With what are your children living?

-Dorothy L. Nolte

Visit to a museum

2008-04-07T22:43:00.003-04:00

DC is famous for the museums - a veritable treasure trove. I see folks from all over the world on the metro really excited to visit the museums in DC, all gratis thanks to the Smithsonian.
I've dragged the kids to a few over the years - a feeling of guilt to live so close and not take advantage of the opportunity drove me to cajole, threaten and bribe them into submission. Granted, the first thing we do is to visit the cafeteria, followed by a room and a half of reading and admiring, then we head outside, frisbee in hand!! Figure something is better than nothing.
The past year, my older one has found his voice.. as in "Forget it!" (My bleating of "we never talked like this to our elders" fell on deaf ears).
So, this year, the spring tourists came in with children (happy faces from what I could tell) in tow.. I came home and called a meeting with the kids and told them how much people spend on hotels and airfare to be able to visit some musuems.. Now I had the older one's attention. He wanted to maximize his return.. but can he put up with boredom just to take advantage of a vacation savings?! I could see his resolve wavering a little..
We made a bargain, we'd only visit two wings and then they'd get their ice cream and frisbee, plus lunch at the cafeteria!
In the musuem, I gave the older one the camera. He went through and photographed every item in the two wings and agreed to do another museum to boot. Of course, he got his food. He didn't even complain when we got home later than planned and he missed half his baseball practice!
I guess he just needed to see the museum through the camera's viewfinder!

Parenting checklist

2008-04-02T23:12:00.003-04:00

I recently read someplace about a parenting checklist/rules for effective parenting.. I will try to recall a few that got impinged on my brain.

1. Make peace with your child's personality and accept the child for who (s)he is.
(big one for me)
2.Make it a point to listen to your child. (practice what you preach and they will reciprocate).
3.Make one-on-one time with your child - give it 100% attention, do not take that phone call or check your email one last time before you begin. I know I will never get to my appointment with my child once I pick up my laptop.
4.Never let your child hear your talk negatively of him/her to another (even to your spouse).
5.Don't compare your child with a friend/brother/sister

Feel free to add your own..

Kite festival

2008-04-02T22:28:00.006-04:00

It is an annual ritual with us. Mother and children pack up kites and a picnic lunch and head off to the Mall to attend the kite festival. Early spring the Smithsonian sponsers the annual kite festival on the capital Mall (a gorgeous piece of grassy area between the museums, stretching from the tidal basin to the capitol).
It is usually cold, but sunny and windy, ideal kite weather.
Thousands of people are gathered with kites of all kinds and shapes, from simple kites from the drugstore (ours) to splendid 3-D ones.
They also have kite shows and competitions in various categories. Cherry blossom festivities are also on during this time.
My kids absolutely love it and look forward to this day. Kites get tangled every now and then.. the kids put their heads together with the other party and sort it out. By the end of the day, the kites are torn, string knotted up here and there. We get hot pretzels and ice cream from the street vendor and wearily head back home negotiating the metro crowd, a few more happy faces -seldom seen during weekdays.
This year, I got two kites for the kids each and D picked up some extra string a few days early. But of course, one had to be opened right then and flown in the backyard and S lost one to the wind, string holder and all.. A held on tight apparently. The morning of the festival D got one more for S since he didn't have a spare.. The idea was to replace the torn one with a new one.
But that didn't happen. The kids flew their kites till they were in tatters with two new unopened ones in the bag. We walked around, flying some more near the monument. walked over to the tidal basin to admire the cherry blossoms. Lunched and Snacked. Headed home near sunset.
Kids promised each other that resume kite flying once they got home.

As we were walking to the metro, a mother/son came up to me and asked if she could buy a kite somewhere on the mall. I told her I didn't think so and that we'd brought ours from home.The older one had wandered away so I figured I'd check with S to see if he'd be willing to give up his tattered, but still good, kite - so that he could use the new one at home.
To my surprise, he didn't want to -saying I could give away the new one if I wanted to, but that the tattered one was his BEST kite.
go figure! Mommy's protective instincts were all wrong.
As usual, we now have notebook paper kites in every room -in preparation for next year?? or rather prolonging this year!!

Crow eating a stolen crispy vada

2008-03-28T15:48:00.003-04:00

On my way back home last nite, there was a woman with two little boys - ages probably around 5 and 2. There were few people in the bus since it was late. The older boy asked me if I had a basketball in my backpack, to which I said:
"No, I have books"

He: I don't believe you, can I see..

Me: Sure.. I opened my backpack and gave him the "Trials of Life: Natuaral History of Animal Behavior" with lots of pictures of animals.

The kids were pleased and thumbed through the book, involving his mother and occasionally asking me some questions as to what those animals were..

We came upon a picture of a wolf eating a deer in its mouth. The kid asked his ma

Mammy, why is he eating the deer?

Mommy looked up, slightly surprised to see my face, while saying: "because that is his food.. Mmm.. deliciouso!"

The kid, reconciled, said: "because he is hungry mommy"

I realized the mother had seen my face reflect a level of disgust at this picture. And then I realized I used to cherish the memory of a mental picture of a crow eating a vada so much.

Mmm.. crispy vada fried by the old woman and sold on the roadside.. (although, it was something we were never allowed to enjoy!)

Promised myself that I would make some (no, a lot) crispy vadas soon for my kids (without the guilt) real soon!

Chef du jour

2008-03-24T22:02:00.004-04:00

The older one loves to cook. After all, his favorites are all male! Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batali, his daddy...

He started making small stuff as early as 7 or 8. Salads, frozen treats, peanut butter or nutella cookies. A few years ago, he started helping out with rotis on the tawa and recently puris in oil. He also loves to sit us all down and make a full meal from scratch.

I used to let him since I figured the kitchen needed to be cleaned anyway ;)

Nowadays, his cooking gets fancier -from cookbooks or his own concoction. His secret ingredients being potato, some spice mixture from the boxes I have in the fridge and his American twist - cheese and ketchup!

He has made atta flour and made cups out of them -filled with cooked potato, beans, carrot sabji - baked and topped with some cheese and ketchup. Plated one for each person - with a ring of ketchup, mint chutney etc.

Mostly edible ;)

Getting kids to do work in the house

2008-03-19T23:10:00.003-04:00

Getting my older one to do work in the house has always been an issue - especially if it is on his own. But I was really surprised how much he is willing to do work, if he feels he is doing work that is part of the "family goal" of what needed to be done. I was making chapati one day and I just casually asked him to help me roll the rest of the chapatis, while I cooked them. He did, without negotiation for benefits. After dinner, I even got him to help me sweep the floor, as long as I finished off with a dust pan. I was so tickled by the amount of help he was doing, not to mention the positive attitude with it, I gave him the title of "helper of the day."

My younger one who is usually the more helpful one, showed a bit of jealousy...

My usual tendency is to delve out the tasks...but sometimes they just want to spend time with you even if it is to do work. However, if you are competing with a show on TV, it becomes more difficult. :)

Friendship

2008-03-18T22:38:00.003-04:00

It's been a learning experience for me to watch my kids grow in a foriegn country. Making friends has its challenges anyway, but it is more difficult (I think) when two kids are from different cultures. But, since we moved to where we currently are, my kids have been more at home since there is a big Indian population in our community.

So much so, that I've had one father comment to me that he is worried his son only has Indian friends and so he encouraged his son to mingle more and bring his other American and Chinese friends home for play dates.

I've never chosen my kids' friends, or so I thought -until I realized that I'd unconsciously been socializing with other Indian parents from my sons' schools over the years -sorta forcing a friendship there.

As it turned out, my older son has had other kids' around who he obligingly played with, even if they were of different temperament and had vastly different interests.

Now that he is older, he is putting his foot down and verbalizing who he wants over and who he will be polite to during a visit. That puts a damper on my entertaining and I struggle with having to make choices between which of my friends I can see etc. One option would be to have just the adults socialize in a configuration that is feasible I suppose.

But, my younger one is more gregarious and loves to have all kids over except when he is trying to pretend to be like his brother.

Meanwhile, my older son says he likes it best when he is out playing with his friends in an outdoor sport like basketball, tennis etc - a barb at my confiscation of PS2. D agrees that boys have to play a sport or PS2 to socialize unlike girls who can just get together talk, giggle, paint nails.. So, the pressure is on to bring out PS2!

But to limit playing the video game, we have to cut down the socializing anyways -since playing one day at ours and another day at yet anothers' and so on is too much.

Luckily, that works for my schedule currently. But come summer, it's going to take some creative thinking on my part!!

Come to think of it, my parents never socialized or met my (nor my siblings') friends' parents!!! We turned out ok -right!?

Bullying

2008-03-18T22:24:00.003-04:00

I meant to attend the parent seminar on bullying at my son's school, but missed it. I'm told bullying is pretty common in middle school years.
My kids have been bullied some. The older one acts tough and can get pretty aggressive when messed with, so he is not typically a target. And he can bully his younger brother once in a while, when I am not around.
Boys tend not to share the fact they are being targeted with their parents. Some signs that the kid is being bullied include:

not wanting to go to school
coming back home later, after other kids have left
walking when a school bus is available
not wanting to go to lunch period
unexpected wounds, which he is unwilling to explain etc.

My theory is that a bullied kid can be deeply scarred and can still feel victimized as an adult. My younger one is protected right now with a few skirmishes once in a while. Wonder how he'll fare in a few years when he starts the Middle school years!!

Summer vegetable patch

2008-03-09T23:42:00.004-04:00

About 4 years ago, I started a summer patch for growing our own vegetables. I figured it'd serve as a lesson in botany to my kids. So I grew tomato, capsicum, chilli peppers and eggplant. Got a hibiscus tree and grew okra.
The plants grew well and I tried in vain to interest my kids in Solanaceae and Malvaceae -to no avail. Soon the Japanese beetles arrived in hordes. My plants were soon overwhelmed. I told the kids the story of "Pari Vallal" - the one who gave up his golden (for more effect) chariot to a slender creeper (jasmine?? the plant name varied in my various renderings).
But the older one was ecstatic. He found a way to drown the beeltes in soap water since I refuse to use chemical pesticides. He found other bugs including some earthworms and others whose names/phyla/class/order eluded me. He informed himself of how the earthworm droppings look.
He started collecting matchboxes emptied and filled with insects. He even tried to freeze one in our freezer saying he was going to study cryogenics - until I threatened him with accidentally dropping them into his dinner plate.. He'd even tried to see if an earthworm could really regenerate itself when cut in two.
He'd just walked into an incorrect class!

teenager

2008-03-09T23:22:00.003-04:00

The older one was 11 going on 13. The next year he was 12 going on 13. Easy to offend. Tears for no reason (at least one obvious to me!) and tempers.
New patterns to test my patience, but also a test for my confidence in being able to guide/mentor - since I botched it up so bad.
I've been angry in return, very angry, screaming, punishing by banning outings/tv/video games, retaught myself counting, forced myself to be patient, explaining the right and wrong, ..
Nothing helped!
Googled key words. Ended up scaring myself silly over "teenage kids running away from homes"..
Found some comfort in praying to a forgotten god.
These incidents would come out of the blue, last a couple of disruptive days. Solved by my cooking a favorite food which would be devoured after a day's semi-starving or consuming junk when I was not looking.
Then one day, a new insight came - not sure how or from where - Just ignore him - the voice said! And that's what I did from then on. An incident never got escalated. Temper tantrums became more infrequent and soon stopped -maybe because he was finally a teen - 13 going on 13.
Now every once in a while, we'd hear a banging door - I'd go about my business as usual. About a half an hour later -we'd be back to normal without the need for a bribe nor punishment nor harsh words being exchanged.

Pulianga -Raw Tamaind pod

2008-03-01T08:10:00.004-05:00

I found pulianga in the local korean store - in small bunches with the leaves attached. So I bought some home - mainly to show the kids the pleasure of eating the raw pod. Figued i'd make a pacchadi if I find a recipe for it.
The older one was more open to it.. so much so, that he asks Dad just as he walks in if he knew what it was. D tells him some tales associated with the tree - ghosts etc.
I remember the days at school, we made up ghost stories to scare other kids, scaring ourselves in the process, since at some point we started to believe in our creations.
We all had a laugh over "don't play in the veyl. play in the pulyamarthu neyl"
Anyway, they found the taste to be unique, but unpalatable to their palate. A can eat raw puli (the fruit of the green pod as I explained to the kids) once in a while. They can also devour raw mango with salt and chilli pepper.
all's not lost after all..
I munched on a piece and didn't really like it - tasted familiar but differeent. Guess that is the difference transportation and shelving at the store can make.
Segue to our summer patch.. :)

Karate class

2008-02-26T12:46:00.004-05:00

I'd been chewing on enrolling the 9 year old in karate for a few years now. I know I am crazy to add one more thing to my list of things to do.. but it was a half hour class once or twice a week.. figure a pit stop on my way somewhere.

My reasons for karate was to improve neuromuscular coordination to my younger one. Not that he is dysfunctional.. probably my wanting to get him to be able to hurry up sometimes.

and it may help him stand up for himself when he is pushed. He is too much of a gentle soul..

A mother's protective instincts I su'pose.

Anyway, there are about 3-4 karate schools in the area.. Made an appointment for one since they refused to give me details over the phone. He had an intro lesson on courtesy and some basic taekwondo moves from the black belt student-turned instructor - who couldn't stop yawning the entire 45 minutes.. but S was impressed. He was eager to obey the master..

I was also interviewed as to why I wanted my son to learn Karate.
According to them, Karate helps with getting better grades at school due to the discipline it instils (my thoughts were "better than Ritilin")..
it helps them stay secure since they talk about not putting up with inappropriate behavior from others.. (having gone through the tough talk for cub scouts with S, I am more than happy to give it up to someone else)
It helps the kid get stronger (yah.. that's what I want..)
It helps them stay fit (nothing wrong with that!)
It gives them something to work towards with belt advancement (true)
It teaches them discipline by respoding to a parent's request for the first time, looking someone in the eye when talking etc.. (although I don't currently have a problem with the latter with S, I can emphatically relate to that complaint.. and any help with the former's gotta be good)

So.. do it.. it seems to be the magical cure to all evils..

But I had nagging doubts about their sincerity or their power to influence all of this. I was pushed into signing up that very day for 6 months.. which I resisted. I also resisted the free uniform push in lieu of one free month etc. I was never given accurate pricing, just how much I would save and what my initial check would be.. I got the feeling that this would be quite an investment.

In anycase, I called my neighbor and friend after I got home to ask where she was taking her son.. She warned me against this very place.. they'd recently dropped out after getting sucked in for 6 mo. Fees were set at whim depending on how deep you'd gotten yourself into. Belt exam fees were high (and of course which parent would not want their ward to go to a higher belt).

My insticts were right after all. But S is now disappointed. I thought to myself -what a shame it has to be like this..

I'm not impressed with another spot where a lot of his friends go. I see more brawn and very little discipline with the students. In fact, I feel the kids are much more aggressive because of it.

The place where the kids have gone off and on through the county is crowded -but the price is right.. in line with the amount of committment required from me to push S to practice. Plus it 's some activity even if he doesn't ever get to a black belt. plenty of time for that!

discouraging to say the least.. But it made me realize there is no magical cure. A lesson learned for me..

but looking at the "donut", I can work on the disciple part at home. I should be able to achieve at least 10% of what they are attempting since I have more at stake.

more jobs - business

2008-02-19T13:48:00.002-05:00

The older one has announced that he really needs a job this summer. No more camps amma..

suits my pocketbook!

He made out coupons for "like frequent flyer rewards" car washes/lawn mowing etc and hands one signed and dated to his dad.

He washed both cars on a 40 deg day while I was predicting that I'd slip and slide the next morning in the aftermath of this car wash. Luckily, the wind was strong and mustve drived the water..

So.. now I have to listen to daily plans of "what I can do"... We happened to watch a Seinfeld where George loses his job because he tells off his boss and he mopes around with Seinfel as to "Maybe I could do..". One reason I'm such a Seinfeld fan!

Paying job

2008-02-13T15:48:00.005-05:00

My older son has been wanting to work to get paid for the past few years.

He had gone through various iterations of this since he was young.

He had a lawn mowing business when he was only 6 years old. My neighbors would give him whatever change they had in the pockets.. sometimes a lot.

He took orders from my relatives for a wood table he was going to build for them -custom made.

He charged less than the material we had to buy, but then it wasn't his money buying the material. He made 100% profit! I soon put an end to the carpentry business since he was soon wanting to buy power tools so he could bump of the quantity of orders. I didn't trust a 10 year old with a power saw!

He then made flyers for a pet sitting business until I put my foot down - my opinion being pets are outside, we are inside.

He wanted to do the paper route. Knee jerk reaction from me -the speed bump- was "no". I am not getting up at 3am to drive you around. He then says, he would bike around. I don't see how that would work in a big city like ours.

Yesterday, he approached his kumon instructor, wanting to work there.. Poor lady, she was put on the spot, but she said she would think about it. To him, this sounded better than what he has been hearing from me.. So he now thinks he has a job!

On my way back, I talked to him about the slippery road he was riding on - both physically and metaphorically speaking last nite :) , how his studies would get affected etc etc. He goes, "aw.. no one cares about your grade if you're a millionaire!" What!! How does one get a million $$ with a "lemme think about it job at kumon!" Definitely this kid is not wanting in the "dreaming department".

He has asked for an allowance -firmly refused - off and on.. but hasn't been persistent. So, I know it is not the money that is the motivation! It is the Independence or the wanting to test waters at work.

Others that know him well have asked me not to slow him down -Americans mind you. This is definitely not an Indian mentality. I suppose that is how Michael Dells are made while Brahminis like me think about what we need to cook for dinner that nite.

helping (making) kids excel academically

2008-02-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Today's Washington Post had an article titled "One Dad's Campaign to Save America

" by J.Matthews. It is about a dad who having travelled to India and China is on a mission to push his children to learn more and more to compete with
the Indian and Chinese kids, who he perceives are pushed by their parents to study much more than what is required of the school. The Dad's children are in private school and are doing well -but they get tutored after-school in order to excel.. Matthews assures his readers that Americans will always do whatever it takes to get to the top.
I don't know how it is in India now.. I suspect that kids there do a lot of school work.
Back when I was a kid, school was a breeze.. a bore sometimes for me.. I spent most of my childhood dreaming. I do wish I'd toiled more, learnt a little more when I had the time.. but I pay for it now, with mudiyor kalvi.
Seriously, I only understood what it meant to study when doing my BSc. and I grew out of my childhood doing my MA, where for the first time I was held accountable for everyone's mood swings.
Anyhoo.. as a videsi aka indian parent, I push my kids to study only because:
the public schools in early classes do not challenge the kids at all. Things are too easy. Some differentiation is offered to kids that've mastered the class material.
My older son, being one of the older kids in his class, one that benefitted immensely from montissori preschool (original intent for the preschool was to allow me to work and it was very close to our home), qualified for differentiated material, which was also too easy for him. Thus started my "encouragement" or "push". That's when we started him off with Kumon to help him learn something new.
I think I push mainly with sports since I found they were lacking some of the free exercises of my youth, such as climbing trees or running around playing marangotthi/mudugu puncture.
And of course, they have to have music.. That is a must in my opinion. So, having tried vocal carnatic with the older one with DK (absolute disaster since he refused to open his mouth), switching to Veena (ordering one from madras by mail) and dragged him to class an hour away.. finally figured it was too much for me.. I even did a stint at a conservatory based on a visiting musician's recommendation..
Anyway.. now they are doing western instruments locally - reluctantly- I might add. I am their practice police.
does that make me pushy? But I don't think what I do is to enable to beat others- to be the best.
I just don't think like that..
My desire is to do something for their sake, knowing the opportunity to learn is now. When they are older, it is really tough to pick up something new due to lack of time and timidness.
Anyway.. the link to the article is below:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/11/AR2008021100644.html?hpid=news-col-blog

chores

2008-02-08T07:35:00.000-05:00

I am not a chore master.. god knows I've tried to be. My kids just ignore me or point fingers at each other.

why is he not doing anything huh.. pretending to do homework, that's what he is doing..
what about him, he is enjoying life on the sofa..
but.. he is doing so little, while I..

And the trash, forget it, neither will take out the (stinky -to them) thing!..

In the end rather than argue.. I give in. Once in a while, while I am doing dishes, I pick on whoever is within my eyesight to empty the clean dishes.

But, I realized that I am one of those needy persons. If i am cooking and the kids are around, they are asked to bring this from the refrigerator in the garage (unsavory task since it is too cold somedays) or get this/that for me etc. so much so, that the kids stay well away from me.. out of sight and hearing (easier nowadays with a itunes gizmo hanging from their ears)

hanh.. what did you say? you want what?

But I wonder if I should somehow persist - is doling out and ensuring that it gets done a parental responsibility? Am I somehow making my kids lazy by not assigning chores?

I have some friends who seem so much in control.. their kids have set chores like emptying dish washer, setting out trash and making their beds everyday, to vacuuming their rooms, cleaning out their rooms etc.

My kids share a bedroom - so I can't seem to say.. clean out your side of the bedroom -thereby creating a divide..
D makes their bed every morning and I pickup kids books andother debris strewn around when I get a chance, thinking they should be doing this..

Whenever D does chores, the kids seem to love hanging out and helping him. The older one gets paid in the summer to do the lawn - and ours is difficult to mow since it has swales.. He loves to shovel snow and can stay out with daddy doing that.. (doesn't last long when I shovel).

I wonder - is it a male bonding thing? hmm..

on the flip side, my older son will sit me down and make the family an entire meal of chappati flour in the shape of a cup or samosa, stuffed with veggies.. or one of his other concoctions. The younger one will bring me a foot rest, put my feet up, bring me a book to read and generally wait on me..

When I really need a room cleaned or something moved, they are ready to chip in and help.. like the marathon 3 hour cleaning that happened right before a cub scout meeeting I hosted, that I moved to the basement at the last minute since the kids were going to be painting.. both kids moved the earth to get us ready!

the older one has a stash of bulbs and will change out any he sees out without asking or being asked.. figured that out when we found a lot were popping. turns out he wasn't paying attention to the max. voltage, until D explained it to him.

still there is that nagging feeling - do regular chores really matter? Bah. it is too much of a chore to enfore compliance!!

Total Meltdown

2008-02-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

Last night was a tough one.. Everyone stayed up too late Sunday nite watching superbowl.. I got home just in time to run my older one to the pool -from where I had to run him over to piano.. The little one was home, reading. D was cooking dinner.. Got home at 8:40 to have the older one call a classmate for homework assignment followed by a search for online textbook..
So, it was 9:30 when I turned my attention to the younger one, who had a tough homework - he had to conduct an interview of a parent and he was waiting for me.
The interview part went ok, joking all around.. especially the part when I told him I would sleep until 2:30pm and take midday naps before I had kids. He took "notes", a newly acquired skill, saying it had to be brief.
But, by the time it came time to putting the stuff down on paper, he was tired and found that his "notes" were a little too brief maybe.. but he bravely attempted. He had written a few words, before he had a total meltdown... saying how much he hated school work, where he had to work so hard, write so much and so on..
It threw me off totally.. I was tired also.. I should have supported him, hugged him.. but instead I told him off.. saying he was sitting on his work until this late and all of a sudden he starts crying.. while I had to go here, there..
After about a minute, I realized the child was just frustrated at the task at hand. So.. I sent him up to shower and bed, telling him I would wake him up 30 minutes early in the morning, when he could finish up.
He meekly complied. He was up and early in the morning (I guess appreciative of the fact that I didn't escalate the event) and finished up his work in under 10 minutes.
whoever said postponing makes matters worse..!

Nuggets..

2008-02-05T12:07:00.000-05:00

Nuggets of advice from a mother to her child.. a life's lesson maybe.
Why now?
Just as food is most appreciated when one is hungry, some words make sense at certain points in life..
For whom?
These words cannot be appreciated by my children at this point in life.. but hopefully someone , somewhere may benefit.. and maybe one day my children will read these words.
So here goes..

One can only really control what one does. It is foolish to think one can control others. Even if you succeed, you may have won the battle, but lost the war.

There are a lot of unhappy people waiting for change in others or hoping to change others. My take would be to evaluate a situation on what you can do, accept what you have no control over or take action to situate yourself to what is comfortable for you. The world can use one less whiner.. (believe me, I'm one of those some days :)).

Jealosy? Don't think so..

2008-01-25T19:36:00.000-05:00

We just celebrated my older one's birthday a few days ago. He had a swim meet he had to go to that afternoon, so D took him, while I stayed home with the younger one to glare at him if he took his eyes off his kumon.
The younger one had been begging to go to the library.. so I took him after stopping at Kumon to drop off his work. He began negotiating how many books he was allowed to take etc. the minute he got in the car. At the library, I puttered around the used books while S went about getting his books. After a while, I wandered over to find him deep into a book, and he had two more in front of him... I sighed in relief, prematurely as it turns out. He had a big stack on his side!!
Anyway.. I gave my usual warning about not reading in the car, lest he spoil his eyesight etc etc. As we left the library, I asked S if we could stop at Classic to pick up a cake for his brother. He wanted to be dropped off at home before I went on my own.. But, I protested, we are half-way there! Why don't you want to go along?
Because.. he seemed to think for a moment and then brightly announced.. I'll get Jealous!, that's why. Please, could you drop me off at home??
Jealous! Him! He is the most unambitious kid I've come across (much more than me, that's saying something)
I later realized that poor boy figured out he'd get into trouble were he to tell me he needed to get back to his book! Boy! can he think on his feet!

Memories of a child's childhood..

2008-01-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

I still remember brushing my children's teeth first with a special baby toothpaste with a timble toothbrush, then with a cartoon toothbrush.
I was super glad when they finally both graduated to brushing on their own. But, I soon found I still had to supervise. So, my first question to them being: "Did you brush?" then, "Here, let me see".. and I proceed to sniff into their mouths (yes, really!).. I send them back up if I am able to see any scarapable piece on the surface or gum or if I am unable to smell the fresh mint smell of the toothpaste.
Anyway.. I leave early in the am.. and I cannot hope to communicate this to D, although to his credit, he does ask once in a while..
I'd been working long hours and one recent morning, I decided to take it easy and leave a little late. I left just as my younger one was coming down for his breakfast. Hearing the garage door open, he ran out in a hurry, gesticulating.
I rolled down the window, slightly irritated at the delay.. He comes up to the car and opens his mouth wide. I couldn't figure out what happened thinking maybe he had a cold sore or somthing. He then says: "Amma, I brushed, here check!"
I opened the door and came around to check his mouth and give him a big hug! I decided that parenting had its perks after all!

What's in a name?

2008-01-13T22:02:00.000-05:00

It took some getting used to - the concept of a middle name.
My own name being all mixed up with a theory of all first born and all male children being given grandfather's name as a prename, with the surname as an initial.
To add to the confusion, my uncle apparently wrote a really horrible name out with rice, on the namekaram day, without consulting my parents. (Those days, my dad probably saw me first on that day, and obviously they never prepared for or rehearsed this function!)
And my maternal grandparents decided to call me by another name of their choosing, before my dad set his foot down to name me something else.
I now answser to a half a dozen names and a dozen derivatives! (So much so, that my kids have to ask me "What is your real name?", as if I chose to fake mine).
In this scenario, it was my turn to put my foot down, when my in-laws wanted to name me something else!!
After moving here, I now share my first name with all my male cousins on my father's side (with my male cousins (brothers also) having the same first and last name with different middle initials!

So.. when my first born was born, all family assembled to perform the namakarana on an hour's notice. According to custom, my son was given multiple names.
Once one person started, others got enthused to add a name. My son essentially got 11 names or so, which we dutifully wrote with a ring dipped in honey, which my 11-day old son lapped up gleefully!
Anyway, the Birth Certificate had a first name and a last name according to local tradition.
The older one, now in pre-school, is asked by his teacher for his middle name, so that she could write out his certificate. He tells her : "Robin Hood".
His teacher, a wise older lady, is a littel suspicious and calls me at work to confirm. I then ramble on that, although he has 11 names, he does not have a middle name. My preschooler, learning of this, promises his teacher that when he came back from summer break, he would have a middle name.
When I pick him up that evening, he demands : "Give me a middle name, please (montessori training)"..
I talked it over with D and picked one name for each kid to serve as their middle name..
The very next day, I hauled myself up to the department of births to get their Birth Certificates. changed.
I had a hard time explaining to the woman at the counter, that I just needed to add a middle name, not change the father's name, or the last name.. It bothered me then that the girl could even think I came to change their last name..
What mothers do for their kids..
What's in a name after all! Aren't names just avatars? really! Put this way, my kids seem to finally understand!

Pets

2008-01-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

I am not sure if this experience is limited to me or not, but from the pre-schools days on, my kids had at least one assignment each year relating to a pet. It could be "Bring a picture of your Pet" or "Write about your pet" and so on. This is from the schools where they have started being sensitive to single-parent households.. by not referring to moms and dads, but as parent.

My feelings on this were "I love animals as long as they are not in the house!".
So, I urged the children to make up their pet in the assignments. We cut out pictures of animals out of store commercials. and so on..
As they grew up, they visit households that have pets and the minute they come back, the attack starts.
Can we please please get a cat? - Me: No.. hairballs.. I dont want to declaw.. I dont want to smell litter..
Can we then get a dog? -Me: No.. shuddering about early morning walks on winter days (since I can guarantee that once the dog is here, it would be moi who is taking care of it), we'd have to fence our yard... immigrant families..
Can we at least get a gerbil, you dont have to declaw it or walk it.. just give it a wheel - Me: Of course not! Their arguments make sense, but I will not willingly have a rodent in the house.. something about how I grew up.
OK.. how about a horse? -Me: Well.. I'd have to move out to make room!

Well, one winter, I finally caved in and bought a fish bowl with a goldfish and a fighter fish. I spent hours in front of it, just watching them move around. To cut a long story short, they both died of shock when I changed the water one cold, snowy night, when I did not have any bottled water left and used tap water.
End of my pet days.. Next one is maybe a turtle.
As luck would have it, D rescued a turtle one morning from the middle of the road and brought it home. But he was too timid and didn't eat any of our lettuce or carrot offerings the entire day. We let him out on the lower back deck and persumably, he went on his merry way.
Still the kids' demands grew more persuasive and stronger..
We even thought about adopting a pet at a farm, where we'd go take care of the pet's needs and help groom etc, but they would house it.
My older one has to ger social service learning hours as a requirement for graduation. So, I took him to a local farm which was non-profit, which dealt with rescuring (unwanted) farm animals and chickens hatched in classroom projects. He helps out once a week, sweeping the barns, repiring fences,helping build shelters, feeding and medicating the animals etc.
The hightlight of this experience so far was when farmer let him drive a tractor (supervised of course) to clear some area! He was thrilled! I had to listen to him saying:
"oh.. the brake on your car is on the right.. on the tractor.."
but all in all, a win-win solution. I do the drop off/pick up or stick around when my younger one wants to help out with some gentler duties. I gladly write a check now and then to the farm or shop for pet food when out grocery shopping, my heart singing!
My older one get SSL hours, loves farm work, the animals benefit and I am free to roam the world (not that I do)!

Sloka Class

2008-01-09T10:26:00.000-05:00

When my older son was around 7, I started teaching him small slokas I knew. Nothing in writing, just verbal - according to the guru-shishya parampara as I later explained. I added a speel of how some children my father's age grew up writing alphabets on sand. I don't know that for a fact, but something that seemed believable.
All I remember is digging up the sand under the teacher's bench (but that story belongs elsewhere)!

Anyway, the older one was a willing student - samatthu! A couple of months later, the older one started off saying he would only learn if his brother were to also learn.
The younger one would never sit or would be sitting upside down with legs and neck in a contorted state -giggling at the first opportunity. It ended up that he was more of a distraction than anything else.. so he was sent out.
A friend visited and wanted to send her daughter to the "class".. so it turned out we had a neighborhood sloka class co-op going on once a week. The kids were allowed free rein of the house in return.
The kids came willingly in order to play after the class and they learnt a lot -the younger ones by imbibing. Kids met each other in amiable circumstances without parents having to host a party to have themselves and their children meet with peers, without any class fees so parents aren't yelling at them to practice at home..
I also started transcribing the songs/slokas into English - did an ok job keeping in mind the ease of being able to read vs the actual words in sanskrit etc. Upper cases were used when I felt like it etc..
The high point was when my older son at his poonal answered exclamations of his clarity in chanting mantrams with "my mom taught me how to speak sanskrit words!".
Then more kids came and it got a little chaotic with some kids bringing in video games into class etc.. And the after-class playing became a little more rough with the older ones fighting and pushing the younger ones. My kids were complaining that some kids were not being respectful of their property and jumped on their beds, broke a few lights.. Some parents dropped off the kids at the curb and went out since they were not within walking distance, I was baby-sitting, feeding on demand etc, unable to reach the parents.. After a couple weeks of this.. I had to put and end to this after-class playing - the sloka attendance dwindled as a result, slowly but surely.
One day, I figured that there was no more point in making myself available when no one else wanted to do this .. so with a heavy heart it ended.
And as my older son says "I know way too many slokas already.. I don't really want to become a priest anyway.."!
But once in a while, my younger (the yakker) one would say "you know I liked the sloka class -too bad we don't have it anymore." - even though he never learnt anything for the better part of the 3+ years we had it going!"

videsi-parent

2008-01-09T09:39:00.000-05:00

Well, the name of this blog is a little tongue-in-cheek. Having moved to this country some 15 years ago.. got married and had kids.. I've been accused of re-creating my childhood for my kids right from teaching them slokas, yoga asanas (what little I know), songs including our famous Surangani.., kolams with arisi maavu (I got kolam and rangoli powder since then to not tempt critters to make their home in ours)..
We didn't miss any festivals early one.. and followed all rituals from both telugu and tamil sides.. tottil, naamakaranam, mottai, star birthdays, poonal.. done with more rigor than I've seen in India. We'd religiously bring ourselves and the kids to India every other year, until recently we are unable since the kids have stuff going on in summer (camp they now want to go to, swim team etc) and taking off during the schoolyear now is very difficult.
I bought them dried Elanthampazham (tasted awful), sugar cane whenever i can find a dried looking sorry bit, coconut water in a coconut from indian stores here (salty, but better than the canned variety with "coconut meat" -name itself is a turnoff), canned palapazham or once in a while, a real one from a korean store - although the taste is not the same..

Well anyway, just the other day, my 12 year old had an early morning swim. I picked him up to drop him off at home on my way to work. When he gets in the car, he asks "Amma, where are you originally from? My coach asked me and I told him I didn't know"..

On seeing my incredulous face, he hastily continued.. "I mean I know India.. but he wanted to know which part of India. I know appa is from Maadras and I told him that.. but you.." he trailed off..
I sigh and tell him that I am also from Madras aka Chennai now (somewhat in a lecture mood by now) I wanted to add "you should know that" but refrained.
He goes "Oh really! I thought you were from Calcutta or something"..

Maybe because my parents also moved here, he had no anchor point from my side in Madras..

so much for the videsi-parenting..!!

Rules

2008-01-03T22:07:00.000-05:00

Lessons learned after 10+ years of struggling as a parent: (far from perfect still of course since like prokaryotes, they morph).

Rules work to set expectations
Explain consequences and be brave about enforcing consequences
- some slack is ok and desirable to get away from military-type operations.
You can even get your children involved in making rules
Some rules are non-negotiable
limit the number of rules to less than 10 (pick your battles)

Parent has to follow rules also in our house to make it work for us. For example, no TV on weekdays means no TV for parents also. Lights out at 10 means we wind up and go up, although they know we read for a while longer..

Traveling with the family

2008-01-03T10:34:00.000-05:00

As soon as we plan a vacation, the countdown starts for, "when is vacation going to start". Not sure why we look forward to them with so much anticipation - especially when they can be the battle of the wills amongst everyone, including the adults.

We had one of those early morning flights, where we had to drag the kids out of bed at 5 am. By the time we reached our destination, rented a car and checked into the hotel it was about 1:30. Our next task was to decide where to eat. My 12 year old boldly stated that he is not going to eat unless we go to Subway. Of course my temptation with that remark was to deliberately go some place else. But since we were all tired and just wanted to eat something and no one else suggested anything else - we went to Subway.

After we ate, I spoke to my son about his attitude, my initial reaction and how disappointed I was with his attitude and lack of courtesy to others (my parents were with us too). I was surprised with his response - he apologized saying, he thinks he was a little cranky.

I was pretty impressed with his response, for him to know his self like that and recognize the issue.

I am not sure if I can schedule our flights around the kids waking times, but taking extra snacks to calm them and us down may not be a bad idea.

My promise to my kids

2008-01-02T08:23:00.001-05:00

I will go a step further this year.. as a mother, my promise to my kids are:

Be an enabler.
Observe more and learn from them to help them achieve what they are capable of achieving, instead of trying to fit them into a mold made for others.
Make time for them. Be with them 100% when I am with them (not multitasking).
Cut down criticism to zero, instead giving useful feedback or offer solutions.
Take good care of myself, which will make me happier and thus they will be happy seeing me happy.

Light moments...

2007-12-30T19:34:00.000-05:00

When my then 3 year old accosted a policeman, who was smoking near the tot-lot saying: "Mr.Policeman, you are setting a bad example for us. Smoking is bad for health". The policeman hastily put down his cigarette to which, our citizen responded : "Now you are going to cause a fire!"...

First b'day party for my older one. His parents and grandparents are busy with guests. He is hungry.. He grabs some milk from his bag and starts drinking after carefully putting down the trinkets he has collected on a chair behind him. My uncle decides to play a trip on him and grabs his trinkets and hides them. After a few minutes, my son turns around and finds his trinkets gone. He goes up to my uncle (who's smirking now) and tells him "Put it back". My uncle still tells us this story..

My younger son (maybe 5 then?) at a family Thanksgiving gathering asks my cousin's (american) wife: "Are you my mom's colleague?".

I bring S (then 3) to work with me one day.. He follows me all over. Colleagues talk to him and he answers their questions politely. We meet an Indian colleague who predictably asks him his name.. S appears confused.. He loudly whispers to me "Amma, is he Indian?".. I just answer for him and hustle him on.. Later, I demad to know why he questioned me like that, to which he replied.. I didn't know whether to tell him my name the indian way or the american way. And he works with you, so he must be american, right.. I had to give me kid a hug then!

Lost opportunities

2007-12-28T22:13:00.000-05:00

This is winter break for schools. DC metro is filled with parents and grandparents bringing their wards to visit museums or other attractions. On my way home from work, I noticed three different parenting styles which made me chew my lip and slap myself some..
A family with a 9-10 year old boy.. The boy appeared well behaved, albeit on the heavy side. He was asking how much longer the ride was.. his parents were noncommittal.. you'll see, at the end of the line and so on..
A second family with three little girls come in.. noisy but well behaved.. the older two children started playing rock, paper, scissors with the mother.. but were not keeping track of their scores. (math lesson?)
The boy wanted his parents to play with him.. his mom said.. she didn't want to because he was too good and that she would lose! Really! Dad wanted the boy to be quiet..
Enter family#3 with a boy and a girl.. the girl is hyperactive and the boy is trying to imiate his younger sister. Family one looks at family #3 with raised eyebrows scornfully.. Family #3 kids have the same question.. when are we going to get there.. The mom pulls out a metro map and has the kids track the progress..
I remember car rides when I would answer we get there when we get there or something equally silly. Recently, I printed out a google direction sheet for the back seat and let the kids help navigate. I realized they need to know the scale of the trip.. progress..
Questions from kids, even if they are irritating, are opportunities for us parents to teach them or learn from them as in my case.. I resolved that I would take every question from my kids with some level of seriousness and take the opportunnity to communicate something of value.

12 year old child

2007-12-26T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well.. we decided to take advantage of the xmas break to take the kids skiing. We were going to leave on 22nd and be back on 24th in time for christmas eve when santa can still finish wrapping and fill stockings in time for opening gifts on the 25th.
Just before we left, we found that the PA ski slops north-west of NYC were closed due to a noreaster creating high wind conditions. In order not to lose the hotel reservations, we ended up rebooking to a closer location for the 23rd night and 24th night. That way, we'd leave late 23rd afternoon, sleep in and start skiing early 24th morning at 8am. The slopes were open on Xmas day until 10pm. We were planning to leave by 8pm or so.. so we'd be back in time for work the next day.
Anyway, as I was loading the car on the 23rd.. A checked his stocking and told his brother that Santa would have filled it by the time we came back. I thought to myself, that it was nice of A to tell his brother that even thought S knew about Santa. We left..
On the way back on 25th nite, the kids were fast asleep in the back.. tired from all the action. I suggested that D drop me off and continue around the neighborhood for about 5 minutes, while I do my wrapping and stuffing. But as luck would have it, the kids both awoke as we got off the highway.. They recognized the road we were on as being close to home and stayed up the remainder of the way.. D suggested that he and kids pick up some dinner for us, which they vetoed, saying they wanted to open their presents..!
A and S ran up to their empty stocking and looked under the tree totally disappointed. A even said, "Santa was all fake", ran up to his bed crying!
I'm thinking to myself.. "What the..! Don't they know!".. Shankar followed his brother.. I stuffed their stockings quickly.. dumped the unwrapped gifts under the tree.. and called them down.. saying "look Santa left stuff in the garage".. they didn't budge still crying..
I was miserable too.. D said that they were tired and would be ok..
and so the next morning.. both were up early downstairs.. waiting for us to come down and tell them whose was whose.. I told A that I'd ordered his snowboard by mail in early december and that it got stuck in Canadian customs. S says, but I thought it comes from North pole..! A says.. I don't care.. I am happy I got something!
They are both my babies after all!

Motivation

2007-12-26T21:40:00.001-05:00

If you've read the post titled "Guns", you know the quandry I am in. At one point, my 12 year old says.. "will you buy me an airsoft (or is it airshot?? I don't remember anymore, but I am going to call it airsoft since I find it a better word!) if I get straight As in all 4 quarters. Now there are some kids who can easily do that.. but it is a struggle for my 12 year old. So, if he pulls it off, it would be a big achievement. I demur...
Well, Christmas and my younger ones's scouting trip to the BB gun target shooting range changed all this. He started asking for the airsoft for Christmas. I felt pushed without the "hope that he would miss at least one A to resolve my problems" (I know.. what kind of mom wants her son to bring in a B rather than an A..? one pushed in a corner).
So.. I counter with "Well, what happened to straight As in all four quarters?" to which he replies..
"Amma, you are not the only one who wants me to get straight As! Don't you think I Want it as well? I am working hard in order to get straight As for myself, so that I can get into a good college with scholership and I can bank or invest all the money you would have spent on my education!"
Motivated kid or a convincing argument..?
Have to chew on this one to figure out how to dodge this air pellet!

Guns

2007-12-20T21:14:00.000-05:00

A has been asking for an Airshot rifle for a little while. He used one in India on the beach to shoot balloons a few years ago. We've managed to deflect it until now. It surfaced again.
Now that he is in middle school, he friends have BB guns and they let him try it out. He tried to make a deal with us. He said if he were to to straight As this quarter, would we be willing to buy him a remington airshot rifle. I reacted badly to the remington, but D said he would chew on it to buy some time.
But the very next day, we found out that S was going to go BB gun target practice with his cub scout, now that he is a webelo (almost boy scout).
A comes up to me and asks what I got him for Xmas -I said "nothing", not wanting to get into a discussion. He then asks if I would give him money for xmas, $68 of which he would use towards purchasing the rifle -which he would share with his brother and he would be responsible and not take it anywhere without our permission. Plus the remainder of the cash he would share equally with his brother etc.. He even roped S's neck with his arm, a little roughly..
Well, if you know A, this is totally out of character. Him sharing anything, let alone his rifle, with his brother. He doesn't share a libray book after he has read it with his brother!
I'm afraid this is opening a can of worms, like D says "this is gun country"
confusion clears.. My initial gut reaction is right and I am going to stand by it.

Vedeo Game Playing

2007-12-19T22:16:00.001-05:00

Video Game playing is becoming almost a joke in our house. The moment we get irritated with the kids, we take away their privileges, which means we take the controls and hide them. The rule is that they can only play an hour or two on the weekends, but if we don't say anything there is no stopping them. The last weekend in November, they played all day, virtually non-stop. So I them that they have played enough to cover December so they won't be able to play this month.

Needless to say, they were not too happy. My older son comes to me - knowing that we are anxious for him to get his grades up, and says, "Mom, now that we have lost the PS2, I really don't feel I have anything to motivate me to do my work." At this point, I wasn't sure whether to burst out laughing or to go into a lecture, so of course I did both. What ever happened to the motivation of actually receiving a good grade? I have to appreciate their creativity for trying to get it back - though some what misguided. They eventually relented and don't mention video games anymore. I imagine that will change in January.

As for motivation, video games is a lousy idea, at least in our house. Any time we have a "carrot" for completing their work, the kids usually end up rushing through their homework and are very reluctant to receive feedback for corrections.

bathroom reader

2007-12-19T11:30:00.000-05:00

Kids! why do I always feel guilty?
This one is about a book worm.. I know I was one of those growing up and a sleepy head to boot. My mom poured a kodum of water on my head one morning.. really! I guess I drove her to it!

my dear husband is another book worm. So, I guess the kids are genetically inclined. But, my genes seem to have changed. The younger one loves to sleep and read (laughing out aloud to himself). But he has so little time to complete homework, practice violin and do his kumon that the school mandated 20 minute reading a day to complete his writing exercise does not let him enjoy the book.
And he shuts himself in the bathroom and reads! This morning he was in bathroom for over an hour reading. Came out just in time to leave for school. He knew he didn't have time for breakfast and, so he says "I'm not hungry, let's leave"! And sure enough, his book is hidden in his laundry basket.. One is also found among the bag of spare toilet paper rolls!!
I can almost hear others say "That's a good thing! Let him read!" I know there are worse things to complain about and I feel guilty.. but I also bar him from checking out too many books from the library because "he will read every one of them"! Hmmpt!

School veggie Lunch ideas

2007-12-15T19:00:00.001-05:00

We had an earlier post on this topic. Am starting a new one to combine all lunch ideas in the main post. I will edit this list to add to list. One can look this over before grocery shopping on on stressful mornings.

1. Peanut butter with or without jelly sandwich
2. English muffin with omlette or with orange marmalade
3. Bagel veggie/plain cream cheese
4.Veggie wrap in tortilla
5.Red potatoes and asparagus baked olive oil and spices
6.tortellini with tomato sauce
7. left-over chinese
8. left-over pasta shells with ricotta
9.left over maincotti/lasanga
10.grilled cheese sandwich
11.potato bhajjis (send extras for friends)
12. idlis cut up into pieces - rolled in sugar and ghee
13. pocket pita with veggies - fresh or quickly sauteed
14. Pasta salad with italian dressing
15. Pasta with grape tomatoes and fresh basil
16. Pasta with pesto of spinach/basil or basil/pine nuts
17.spaghetti with tomato sauce
18.Veggie muffins (not sweet) -never tried it.
19. Mini idlis
20.Idli batter with veggies fried in appam molds (molds one would put on the stove) -infused with chutney..
21.bread slices toasted with potato masala (not too watery malasa) in a sandwich maker

Let's keep adding to the list.

Kumon woes

2007-12-15T18:41:00.000-05:00

We should start a Kumon Parent support group for over achieving parents like us! It is a daily battle at our house esp. with the younger one. The older one is better at it nowadays. At one point, he used to shed tears at the very mention of the word. Now, we have made a deal. He only does his work at Kumon and I stop bothering him during the week. I have to sit with S, appeal to his good senses, cajole him and finally threaten him with consequences, when amid tears he will take out his Kumon folder.
I also have to constantly check on him to ensure he is not drawing eyes and ears to his numbers or sitting with his back facing the Kumon.
I've tried several methods such as "a constant/dedicated time", a quiet place, isolation, standing looking over his work.. nothing works. My resolve weakens before his does.

I've been coming home pretty late all last week. I return home late last Thursday evening and enquire about the younger one's homework and the conversation goes along the lines of:
Me: "S, how's your homework comin' along?"
S: "All done!"
S does not get much homework.. so I think that it must've been a day he had a substitute or they had a test..
Me: "Start on your Kumon. You have to do two days worth"
S: "Done -both days"
I'm pleasantly surprised.. thinking to myself.. Finally, S is getting responsible..
Me: "That's great S! I'm glad you did your Kumon!"
S: "Appa Made Me!"

There was a lot of feeling in the last remark... Hopefully all this effort is worth something in the long run!

Winter activities with kids

2007-12-09T09:03:00.001-05:00

On days when it is cold outside, with none of the powdery stuff, we end up playing with the kids. D has an ongoing contract with A to play Monopoly (Trade). We just started on chinese checkers and checkers. Some past winters were spent in rockville ice sports -watching them skate. But they are now bored going round and round.. and would prefer to snowboard outside, except as S puts it "grass is showing!". I will probably take them to the indoor baseball practice and the pool. Weekends tend to get tougher with me wanting to stay indoors and do chores, while the kids are bored since they only get to watch one show and maybe 20 min of computer time each.
Of course, they could utilize this time to practice music... but that is asking too much of them at least in our house. They don't seem to be interested in painting and only pick up their legos at 10pm in order to delay bedtime.

kids fighting

2007-12-09T08:56:00.000-05:00

My kids (boys) don't fight that much. Probably because I don't let them, which may be a bad thing. I intervene at the slightest sing of a fight.. an over-proective mother? I've protected the younger one from being taken advantage of, maybe keeping him younger in the process. I make up for the few times, he has been taken advantage of. If he is not included in a game, I buy one specifically to play with him. But I wonder.. should I just have gotten ear plugs or tuned into ipod and let them fi(ght)gure it out? At what age is it ok to stop protecting the little one?

Xmas time

2007-12-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.. Over the years, we've gone from getting the kids multiple presents to none at all. Last year, I was in a "cannot accomodate one more non-consumable in this house" mood. We bargained with the kids (now that S is off the Santa's sled) that I would contribute to their account instead of useless gifts. We bought some toys to give to toys for tots and felt good all around.
This year, early on, A wised up and said -Amma, btw, I want gifts this year. Of course now they are specific about what they want. They know ps2 games etc are ootq (out of the question).. so, they come by with pictures or dvr images of what they want.
At least there will be something under our tree this year to complete the picture.

Raising Vegetarian Kids

2007-11-07T15:44:00.000-05:00

For parents raised as vegetarians, it is common to wonder, should we raise our kids as vegetarians? Will they be able to eat when they are with friends or at restaurants? Is providing non-vegetarian meals a more practical option - school lunches would be less painful and grabbing a bite for them to eat before attending a dinner party is easier.

Practicality aside, are you comfortable with eating meat? If you and your spouse aren't, convincing your children to be vegetarians is really easy. Children are naturally compassionate to animals. Once they realize that a hot dog was once part of a pig, or that chicken nugget was once squawking around a farm, they really aren't going to want to eat it. We have been very frank with our children with the both the philosophical aspect of not eating meat as well as the health issues. We have posed the question of whether it is something they want to do, and they are quite confident with the decision as well as feel that it is their choice. I think the key is to make them realize that in the end it is their choice, because we won't always be their to monitor their food intake.

As for the practicality issue, it becomes a state of mind, most restaurants have vegetarian options, or are willing to put one together. It all depends on what you are willing to accept - I have had a meal of a head of broccoli and a baked potato at a steakhouse once. Makes for a good chuckle and it isn't the end of the world. Lunches have been very different experiences with my two kids. My younger son loves peanut butter sandwiches. He could have it everyday and not complain. Though he does enjoy having the vegetarian lunch options in school. My older son loves variety but doesn't care for the options in school. He likes having left over Indian or Chinese food for lunch. Or he will make noodles and add frozen vegetables to it. Not the greatest health option considering the sodium, but it gives him variety. Both my kids enjoy quesadillas and those I make cheddar cheese, and if I get my way I can sneak a few vegetables in it like onions, peppers, mushrooms, and spinach.

Any tips or issues you have experienced?

Spending quality time with children

2007-11-03T16:52:00.000-04:00

I recently met a young mother on the metro. We got talking. She was lamenting on her long commute and her inability to spend time with her child. As a mohter of slightly older children, I've been there, done that! I get home quite late and my 4th grader does not start on homework before I get home. So I always stressed about not being able to spend time with him after I get home.
Here are some techniques that work for us.
1.Simplify esp. if I am tired - kids do not care if they eat rice and rasam or spagetti. They don't want to see an over-tired mother either.
2.On days I decide to cook, I use the time to get my younger one organized near me. Great time to help him with homework, while chopping or stirring. After the work is done, good to get the child to help with small stuff. Great opportunity for some kitchen rapport. I talk to my 7th grader about his day during this time also. Just ask a few questions and listen without commenting (hard part really).
3.After dinner is put away, make some time to play a game with the kids -at least on Fridays and Saturdays.
4.Another opportunity to talk is when driving kids to lessons or sports esp when only one is going. It's amazing how much my children enjoy this time!

What are some other techniques that work for you?

Kids and snax

2007-10-31T12:19:00.000-04:00

snax are always a challenge with children esp. when they come home before the parent does. But even if the parent is home, it is hard to deal with spurts of hunger due to a. boredom or b. growth spurts.
I know fruits/celery/carrots are a good option. Believe me, I've tried and it doesn't cut it at our house. For fear of invasion from darwinian pests, I've had to give up offering a wide choice of fruit.

If you don't want to hand out the sugar bombs, you can try to have some frozen treats like mini samosas, indian spring rolls (our recent success story) etc. S seems to like ez-mac!! A will eat anything sugary or chocolaty!!

Middle schools don't help with the snack machine handy for growing pre-teens! We are unable to keep A from carrying change esp. since he has started to earn money from mowing.

comments abt what works for you welcome.

Exercise

2007-10-27T17:19:00.000-04:00

Well this happened a couple days ago. S comes home from school and immediately calls me to tell me that his gym teacher told his class that they should practice situps and pushups at home. S says "you've got to help me". I said "ok.. What do you want me to do?", for which he replied, "Mmmm..." his face brightens up.. "Do whatever moms do to help their children with situps and pushups!". Indeed!

Well.. the result of that conversation in this blog. I supervised S with situps for a period of 2 minutes. But, hopefully I can put in a little more time into this blog.

until next time..