An American brain

My nephew is about 5 years old. He loves rasam, but not the mustard seeds used to temper the rasam. He would pick each one off if he got any on his plate saying he does not like the black balls.

One evening, his mom made rasam tempered with mustard and cumin but the tempering burnt a little. She tried to pick off the mustard seeds before serving her son. But he managed to find one, which he picked off... So mommy asks, "oh you got a black ball"? to which he replied.. "no mommy, I got a black football!". oh the joys of raising children in USofA.

--as narrated to me by my sister.

Spend the penny, forgo the pounds

We were talking about something my 15 year old used to do as a child.. dashing around the house or some such.. when he wistfully says "yeah, those were good times, we were rich then".

I was rather stunned to hear that statement. We now make more than we did 12 years ago, have a bigger house (yeah bigger mortgage); all indicators of "richness". But I always thought kids can say the darnedest of things but they were also usually dead center.

Then I felt really bad.. In getting a bigger house, education, better vacation, maybe we've lost sight of the richness of life.

I picked him up a few days later from something, when he wanted to stop at Rita's the local ice cream place. I happily took him.. did not protest when he got a large with whipped cream. I even brought back ice creams for everyone else at home.

Then later on in the week, I took my older one to giant, our local grocery.. bought him food he wanted, let him pick out his dinner from the salad bar dismissing the voice saying I can easily fix it at home for a fraction of the cost. I did not look for sale signs or for nutrition values. He was so happy and the bill was a much easier burden to bear than the guilt I was facing earlier.

Simple pleasures are all children need, not expensive vacation, cars or homes. I know college expenses are looming ahead, but we will manage. Meanwhile, when the weather gets warm and the ice cream truck comes by, I will happily buy my children the unhealthy-overpriced ice cream for simple pleasures.

Parenting books

I borrowed some parenting books for some tips and tricks to stay ahead of the game.. I found a coupla neat ideas.. I bide my time and one morning I spring it on my older one..

He goes.. wait a minute, you know I read that book too. Maybe you shouldn't leave your aces lying around you know!

oh well. at least he knows I'm trying.

Funny incident

My 14 yr old's phone is out of commission.. he borrows mine occasionally when he needs it. I come home to get back my phone and see three missed calls from my younger one.. So I ask him why/what he needed me for etc..

he goes.. well you didn't answer! It went to your voice mail twice then the third time a man with a deep voice answered.. So I just hung up.

As it turns out, he was calling from upstairs, answered by my computer-playing don't disturb me older one.. Man with a deep voice indeed!

Reading with a teen

when kids are little, parents read to them. (some parents read to their yet unborn child hoping to catch em young).. I did not start on the cloth books, but did do the Dr.Seuss routine (I can still recite the foot book and the green eggs and ham!).. followed by some other board books such as Richard Scarry's busytown books and curious george.
One day my son figured out he could read for himself. Empowered, he devoured the books we had around and started picking out his own books. At that point, I stepped aside and one day soon I did not know what he was reading. I vaguely remember seeing Junie B Jones, magic tree house, star wars, captain underpants.. japanese cartoon books, pokemon, yugioh, manga etc.
Along came Harry Potter - a big book. I read part of book to my kid until he figured out when you can read, you can read any book. Since then I have not interfered with my kids' reading. The younger one picks up any book off the shelf and reads parts of it to see if he is interested.. and abandons if it does not hold his interest.
Recently one day, I realized that I do not read to my kids anymore.. or interact with them on the matter of books.. mainly because I have no interest in reading Brisingr or other monster books. So i picked up one of my older son's books and started reading it. This led to a discussion on the book that I felt was rather productive. Soon, the younger one comes up to me and hands over Ender's game, a book he has read 20 times and says "This is a good book; I suggest you read it"!
Sound familiar? I thoroughly enjoy reading the books my kids picked out for me because I am their mother and also because they benefit from the ensuing conversation - even if they lead it... since they've read other books in the series. More power to them!

Funny

Unfortunately this has to be in tamil.. apologize to those non-speakers of tamil.

My aunt's little girl (about 2 years old then) called her uncle saying:

LG: ai! inga vaa da
My aunt: Don't say that. mariyaadaya pesanum!
LG: ok! ai! mariyaadaya inga vaa da!!

Now.. I am not making this up! nejum! kids do say the darnedest of things.

teenage

Can one say enough about this phase? I remember thinking to myself what a hype the "teen" phenomenon is.. and that my kid would not exhibit any of these dire predictions. After all, I don't remember having a particularly hard teen-time. Boy was I wrong..
I remember struggling with authority starting at around 13 years of age.. mostly me treating the kid still like a non-teen.. making decisions without consulting - after all 13 year old habit is hard to break. I remember getting upset when my plans were discarded just because.. I remember asking everyone who cared to listen "why the rebellion?" - seemed so unnecessary and self defeating. Tug of wars.. slammed doors.. random tears.. moodiness.. binge eating.. is this what the teen is all about!
Earlier, when the kid got into a fit, I gave him a timeout to get over it.. Now, I started the same technique, varying it only slightly in that when the kid got into a fit, I gave myself a timeout. When there was a willful act of "teen 'mis' behavior", I went shopping.
Then one day things started to click in my brain. What is happening is the need for more independence.. more involvement in decision making.. while at the same time, testing limits/rules that have been set for years to see if there would be consequences. Teen time is a time to hang out with their own friends, not children of parents' friends, not in a group of parents and children (which is ok once in a while).
What I've learned so far is to wait out an outburst, while being firm on rules. If rules get broken, do not bring up the topic right away, but wait until the child is relaxed and is able to listen to you. Believe it or not, the child knows very well that the rule is being broken and will only get more defensive if it is brought up at the time and may result in deterioration of the situation. Patience, a lot of patience on the part of the parent will get you through your kid's teen years. Helps if you are really busy with something else other than the child as the primary focus. Now would be a great time to take up your favorite hobby!!

hmm. a grain of truth!

My younger was going on a field trip to Philly.. I happened to be at the library and figured I'd pick up a book on philly, the liberty bell etc. This turned out to be one of those rare instances where the cup met the lip.. Shankar and I read the book together, which, I found fascinating also.. to see how the rights we enjoy in America really came about and the enterprising and public spirited tenacity of the folks then.
About two days later the little guy left on his field trip and I questioned him on his return as to how it was and if he learnt a lot etc. more pointedly, "Did reading about all the background help you understand/learn more" to which he says:
"amma, what we makes sense for business. for me, learning about all this earlier only made the trip even more boring because they told us about what I had already read."
"So next time we should maybe not preread.."

hmmph!

child abuse?

took me a while to write this because I was haunted by the scene.. Am I over reacting or being unusually sensitive. you be the judge. All I know is it hit a sensitive nerve in me.

Scene is a metro station in DC. It was after rush hour and spring break in some parts of the country. Several tourists with little and not so little children.

I see two families with 4 children ranging from ages say 5-9 traveling together. The board reads that a train is due to arrive in 5 minutes. The children are curious and go near the edge to peer over. They are within the safety line demarcated by officials visually.. so really speaking safe for the moment unless they lunge forward.. or do something stupid.

The parents ask that the children step back.. and they do. but one little girl (about 6) does not. The mother then tells her that she only has to say something once and that she would have to teach the girl to obey. She yanks the little girl by her hair and pulls her to the adults.

The girl is then seen silently crying hiding behind the father. The father looks helpless. Yes, it must have hurt to be yanked like that, but what really hurt the little girl is being treated like that, losing face in front of strangers, friends or cousins or whoever.. I guess the father took the easy way out rather than stand up to his kid!! I know mothers are worried, stressed etc etc.. but wasn't there a better way to get the kid to be near you. After all, you are only about 2 feet from the kid!

The scene is imprinted in my brain, serving as a lesson for me to not yell or treat my children badly over anything, especially stupid things like grades, homework, dawdling.. God knows they are kids for only a short time!

excuses of a poet

Poetry assignment requires the child write 10 peoms. This is classwork done over a period of time. By the end of the quarter, my 5th grader submitted 4 peoms. Teacher is disappointed and asks why this happened, to which he just shrugs. So, the teacher sends me an email and I ask my son why he did not respond to the teacher.
He just shrugs. By then I am frustrated also trying to delve into the root of the problem.
I then say to him "you should have some excuse.. you ran out of time or.. a writer's block..."
He: "yeah, I ran out of time, ok?"
Me:"Understood! if you gave me that excuse after doing 9 or 9.5 poems, great! not with just 4!"
He: Mmm. how about a "poet's block?" Will you accept that?
I gave up! go figure!

copyright infringement indeed

I had to write this down before I forgot. My younger son, a 5th grader, is an avid reader, but, when it comes to his writing skills, there is plenty of room for improvement. It is not bad, but it takes him a long time to write neatly. And teacher from school would like him to work on his writing due to a recent incident with an incomplete poetry project.. (another story in itself).

Anyway, I decide it is high time I implement the handwriting task I've been threatening him with all these months. So, willy nilly, at 1015pm, we sit down after finding a fresh notebook. I said I'd dictate while folding the laundery -killing two birds in one so to speak. Then I had a brainwave, "let's do the book you're required to read, that way, we can kill three birds in one!!" I said. The said book was not to be found anywhere.. After about 15 minutes of searching, we finally find it and sit down again at 1040pm. He is super sleepy by then and I am sleepier still.. But, I am also determined.

I bring out the laundery and start dictation. After about 4 sentences, my younger son asks, "amma.. isn't it illegal to copy out of a copyrighted book? I think it is called copyright infringement or something." Nice Try Mister.. were I not so tired, I'd have laughed and hugged my son, not just barked out that "we are not trying to sell the first 4 lines of the book, please get on with it." or somthing to that effect.

I did give him a break though! He wrote down a couple more sentences and we both went to bed happy to have at least made the attempt.

Power of a label

Took a while, but it finally hit us. The pull of name brands. When my older son was little, his pediatrician told us to indulge him w/ name brand shoes since they would minimize his slight outward turn of his feet. He mentioned that that was one area where we'd want to give in to pressure. My thoughts then, what pressure.. ? my kids wear what I buy.. maybe girls were more demanding.

Well, finally my older son asked for a northface jacket.. I normally buy their clothes at target or kohls. So, I thought I'd take a look at nf. The jacket he wanted was so ordinary.. lands end had a better deal for a better jacket. Excitedly, I showed him the "winter sale".. But no, he wanted nf, even tho' we couldnt really find his size. The biggest kids jacket would be a tad bit too small on the wrist. "You know, I need to be able to stand up to other kids with their nice clothes etc" "I can't be the worst dressed in the entire class" (all this when newspapers are full of articles about how teachers are funding some of the kids' weekend meals.. and I can personally attest to the tripling of prices of groceries in our area!)

Anyways, I buckled in after a couple months of negotiating.. I wanted to order from an online vendor.. But no, apparently these online vendors sold jackets that were fake.. the proof was that the logo was only on the front, not front and back!! the only place to go was to nf.com.. (more $$$) "now you know why this other site is offering it for a discounted price!"

I stood my ground, promising to return a single faced logo jacket. When it came, my son tried it on -once.. it was too short on the wrist as we predicted. And it had two logos!! "Aw.. I can't wear that!".. alright.. now I have to do an RMA to return the stupid jacket!

when little brother (smarty pants) pipes in "you should've known it was fake when it said "Northface" on both sides" Shouldn't it have said "Southface on one side and Northface on the other?"...

oh well there are some light moments to parenting after all.. how else can a parent come out of this experience still loving their children!

Teenage

I'm having a hard time with my teen.. Duh! Anway, I happened to pick up a book called "Do hard things", a book written by 16 year old twins.. The 16 year olds had started a blog protesting against the societal culture encouraging teens to be under achievers, basically by condoning substandard attitude, by expecting less from teens, the society is doing the teens harm. My thoughts exactly.

I really believe the kids in middle school (grades 6-8 here) are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for. I think we need to start treating them as adults in some aspects. They demand more independence, give it to them along with the responsibility!

A background about the authors, Alex and Brett Harris, home schooled kids (Duh!), religious. Apparently their dad gave them a whole stack of books to read for summer and they got inspired. I tried to get my older son to read this one book, which he flatly refused. Of course, if I hadn't asked him to, he would have read it just because it was around. my kids are obviously not home schooled.. However, I've read excerpts to my younger son. yet to finish the book even though it is an easy read, just think it has been written by kids, for kids.

Parents or tyrants?

Just got done with a book titled "A l'heure de la premiere etoile". It is about a character Lucien, and his relationship with his daughter and son. The son leaves home one day without taking leave and the daughter visits once in a while, out of a sense of duty.

Lucien finally figures out that he had done wrong by his children, in trying to make them live like he did.. take up his farm. He never listened to what his children liked or disliked, rather ruled like a tyrant, without having to raise his voice.

Good read in any case.. raised some issues in self! I look around me and feel that kids are rather homogeneous, girls go to dance class, music class, (piano is popular!) boys to karate; every asian kid sorta goes to kumon, some sports in the picture.. tennis maybe.. and of course dinners every weekend either at neighbors or at an indian/italian restaurant.

My older son finally broke down and told me he never really liked piano.. of course he wanted to learn at one point and begged to go since his friends were all learning.. but I am relieved that he realized he never really liked it and was able to tell me so. I think having just finished the above book, I was more receptive to what he had to say and didn't internalize his works as a failure on my part.
My parents never had to face these issues since the only class I was forced to go to was the dreadful typewriting class when I was in college. I still shudder how I never managed to get the forms right. I took up music on and off, ok more off than on (but then I was never driven there and watched over by my parents).

தமிழ் fonts

ஹி! ஹி!!

A small matter of trust

As a parent, do you trust your child? If yes, how much? Do you give them the room to explore and grow..?

obviously, we are not talking about extreme cases of endangerment.. specifically, teenagers like to explore and have a say in what they do. It is so hard to trust that your child will do the right thing. But I feel it is the right thing to let your child arrive at a decision, giving them the room to explore, make mistakes etc.

thoughts?

Joys of motherhood

I've never somehow been happy with my hairstyle -the length, to bob or not to bob.. whatnot.
I go really traditional, and long to have really long hair. At some point it turns scraggly on me and I chop it all off -get away with this under the guise of donating my hair to cancer patients..

I was in one of those moods. Guess things weren't working out like I wanted or maybe I was bored or depressed and really wanted a Change (notice the capital C?)

I take it out on my hair - have the hair dresses chop it all off to a what used to be known as boycut.. even though the hairdresser thought it was too much hair off at one time..

So I get back home and walk in as if stuff is really normal.. my head is lighter after all!
My younger son, about 3 that that time looks at me strangely for a little while.
Finally he walks up to me and asks:
"Are you my mother?"

such innocence - lifted me straight out of my moody self! indeed one of the joys of motherhood.

On Authoring

A friend recently suggested that I should read Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. My brain OD'd on Bengali authors, discarded the suggestion.. Got home to start yet another bengla writer converstation.. But curiosity got the better of me and I did go out and read a book of CBD in one sitting..
But wait a min, this is a parenting blog.. so what's the deal?
Well.. my younger son happened to see the book (Sister of my heart) on the table and he said he knew what the book was all about. The book had a small pic of two indian women on the cover.
He went on fabricating a story -eerily close to the orignial globally speaking - but then asked permission to inject some unrealistic fiction into the story (Thanks to schools for the nomenclature) and the story took on a familiar tone of alchemists and monsters.
There may be some hope for Tamilian (Am-Tam) authors in English -in the near future:)

School, Yay!

Kids are finally back in school..

As a parent, I'd like to ban summer vacation - three months of idle kids.. I know, teachers need the time off (although I'd be unhappy to not get paid 3 months of the year) and I know kids need unstructured time to develop their creativity and obviously there are summer camps (being paid 3 months of summer, I should be able to afford that)..

but sometimes I wonder.. I remember summers filled with cousins, playing with stones or marbles... school for that matter was not very taxing.. spent a good part dreaming. So, what is the matter with summer here?

Have kids inherently changed so much that they are somehow different now? I doubt it..
Has society changed that it is more an indoorsy life for kids..? yah.. partly true, but not quite..
Working parents..? my parents worked too..
Displaed kids not finding enough company at home..? not quite true..
Worrying parents? or rather worrying parent..? there is some truth to that I suspect. I don't seem to like children wasting time-so to speak. They should either be productivly (sp?) involved in either studying, making friends, playing sports etc.. to the point where unstructured play has a certain value in its quality..

hmm.. not sure I've pinned it down yet.

The kids are alright.. repeat, The kids are alright!!

Managing Anger -Parenting by example

The best way to help children manage anger is for parents to set an example. Every time a parent gets angry at another, children watch and imitate when the time comes.
I used to ask the children to do a chore or particular work repeatedly and then slowly the decibel level rises. I soon noticed my older son doing the same with his brother. I would count down to get them to start their work (sometimes with clenced teeth). Sure enough, I see the kids doing the same one day.
So we sat and talked. My younger one, who expresses himself very well most times, told me that he didn't like it when I shouted or when I counted. So.. we came to an agreement that I would not raise my voice, nor count and that they would remind me when I started to.
Now.. "it's don't make me raise my voice" or "you are starting to raise your voice".. I've noticed that my kids also stopped raising their voices.