Wednesday, June 17, 2009

teenage

Can one say enough about this phase? I remember thinking to myself what a hype the "teen" phenomenon is.. and that my kid would not exhibit any of these dire predictions. After all, I don't remember having a particularly hard teen-time. Boy was I wrong..
I remember struggling with authority starting at around 13 years of age.. mostly me treating the kid still like a non-teen.. making decisions without consulting - after all 13 year old habit is hard to break. I remember getting upset when my plans were discarded just because.. I remember asking everyone who cared to listen "why the rebellion?" - seemed so unnecessary and self defeating. Tug of wars.. slammed doors.. random tears.. moodiness.. binge eating.. is this what the teen is all about!
Earlier, when the kid got into a fit, I gave him a timeout to get over it.. Now, I started the same technique, varying it only slightly in that when the kid got into a fit, I gave myself a timeout. When there was a willful act of "teen 'mis' behavior", I went shopping.
Then one day things started to click in my brain. What is happening is the need for more independence.. more involvement in decision making.. while at the same time, testing limits/rules that have been set for years to see if there would be consequences. Teen time is a time to hang out with their own friends, not children of parents' friends, not in a group of parents and children (which is ok once in a while).
What I've learned so far is to wait out an outburst, while being firm on rules. If rules get broken, do not bring up the topic right away, but wait until the child is relaxed and is able to listen to you. Believe it or not, the child knows very well that the rule is being broken and will only get more defensive if it is brought up at the time and may result in deterioration of the situation. Patience, a lot of patience on the part of the parent will get you through your kid's teen years. Helps if you are really busy with something else other than the child as the primary focus. Now would be a great time to take up your favorite hobby!!

2 comments:

Sujatha said...

There is a certain comfort if your kids hang out with your friend's kids. When they go somewhere you know there will be some common understanding of what activities are acceptable. However, when they go out with people you don't know, it difficult to assess what influences will be placed on your teen.

As a teen, when I would request to go someplace with friends that they knew, I rarely had problem wtih getting approval to go. However, if I was going with people they didn't know, they would always want to know who else was going. At the time, I found this to be stupid on my parents part, but my dad explained it as friends with similar upbrings would have more balance in their decision making process. I rolled my eyes when he said this but now it makes more sense to me. :)

Lakshmi said...

"There is a certain comfort if your kids hang out with your friend's kids."
yeah, definitely.. just gotta somehow make it appear as if it is his idea. We have a "I'm my own boss" clash. Anytime I try to arrange something, I cannot count on him to keep up the appointment. These days of virtual meetings are so much more tough to forbid! they mostly hang out in IM or chat rooms.