A small matter of trust

As a parent, do you trust your child? If yes, how much? Do you give them the room to explore and grow..?

obviously, we are not talking about extreme cases of endangerment.. specifically, teenagers like to explore and have a say in what they do. It is so hard to trust that your child will do the right thing. But I feel it is the right thing to let your child arrive at a decision, giving them the room to explore, make mistakes etc.

thoughts?

Joys of motherhood

I've never somehow been happy with my hairstyle -the length, to bob or not to bob.. whatnot.
I go really traditional, and long to have really long hair. At some point it turns scraggly on me and I chop it all off -get away with this under the guise of donating my hair to cancer patients..

I was in one of those moods. Guess things weren't working out like I wanted or maybe I was bored or depressed and really wanted a Change (notice the capital C?)

I take it out on my hair - have the hair dresses chop it all off to a what used to be known as boycut.. even though the hairdresser thought it was too much hair off at one time..

So I get back home and walk in as if stuff is really normal.. my head is lighter after all!
My younger son, about 3 that that time looks at me strangely for a little while.
Finally he walks up to me and asks:
"Are you my mother?"

such innocence - lifted me straight out of my moody self! indeed one of the joys of motherhood.

On Authoring

A friend recently suggested that I should read Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. My brain OD'd on Bengali authors, discarded the suggestion.. Got home to start yet another bengla writer converstation.. But curiosity got the better of me and I did go out and read a book of CBD in one sitting..
But wait a min, this is a parenting blog.. so what's the deal?
Well.. my younger son happened to see the book (Sister of my heart) on the table and he said he knew what the book was all about. The book had a small pic of two indian women on the cover.
He went on fabricating a story -eerily close to the orignial globally speaking - but then asked permission to inject some unrealistic fiction into the story (Thanks to schools for the nomenclature) and the story took on a familiar tone of alchemists and monsters.
There may be some hope for Tamilian (Am-Tam) authors in English -in the near future:)

School, Yay!

Kids are finally back in school..

As a parent, I'd like to ban summer vacation - three months of idle kids.. I know, teachers need the time off (although I'd be unhappy to not get paid 3 months of the year) and I know kids need unstructured time to develop their creativity and obviously there are summer camps (being paid 3 months of summer, I should be able to afford that)..

but sometimes I wonder.. I remember summers filled with cousins, playing with stones or marbles... school for that matter was not very taxing.. spent a good part dreaming. So, what is the matter with summer here?

Have kids inherently changed so much that they are somehow different now? I doubt it..
Has society changed that it is more an indoorsy life for kids..? yah.. partly true, but not quite..
Working parents..? my parents worked too..
Displaed kids not finding enough company at home..? not quite true..
Worrying parents? or rather worrying parent..? there is some truth to that I suspect. I don't seem to like children wasting time-so to speak. They should either be productivly (sp?) involved in either studying, making friends, playing sports etc.. to the point where unstructured play has a certain value in its quality..

hmm.. not sure I've pinned it down yet.

The kids are alright.. repeat, The kids are alright!!

Managing Anger -Parenting by example

The best way to help children manage anger is for parents to set an example. Every time a parent gets angry at another, children watch and imitate when the time comes.
I used to ask the children to do a chore or particular work repeatedly and then slowly the decibel level rises. I soon noticed my older son doing the same with his brother. I would count down to get them to start their work (sometimes with clenced teeth). Sure enough, I see the kids doing the same one day.
So we sat and talked. My younger one, who expresses himself very well most times, told me that he didn't like it when I shouted or when I counted. So.. we came to an agreement that I would not raise my voice, nor count and that they would remind me when I started to.
Now.. "it's don't make me raise my voice" or "you are starting to raise your voice".. I've noticed that my kids also stopped raising their voices.

Driving!

Another favorite subject at our house with my older son.. Started a few years ago with comments like "Only 7 more years before I drive".. "When can I sit in the front seat.. on the driver's side?" "Can I drive in the school parking lot on weekends?" (the last when he was still in elementary school).
Another one: "Do I have a say in what kind of car we get? After all I'm going to be inheriting it!" (Yeah!!)
Recently one warm summer day -I'd volunteered to help out at the swim team banquet.. went in earlier to drop off my cooler -ended up staying to help - rushing home to get the kids and grandma to the banquet .. to get back in time to my duties I'd signed up for.
When we got to the car, grandma realizes she left something at home and had to go back.. when my 13 year old piped up..
Amma, you are late - you go on in.. I'll take paati home.
It was tempting, but I realized it'd be a long walk esp for grandma.. so I go.. "you can't walk there with paati, and back"..
for which he replies.. "No, I'll just drive home and be back in a few minutes".. just like that!
Another gentleman had just pulled up beside us and he started laughing when he heard my son's words.
I was confused thinking I should let the gentleman know that I don't, never would, let my 13 year old drive and also trying to come up with a suitably acid response to my son's "matter-of-fact" tone.
I managed to come up with a weak "Nice Try"!! guiltily...

summer

This summer has been up and down for us. We were all very very busy the first part with swim team 6 days a week and summer away camps.. I spent hours on the pool deck waiting, timing, driving kids to away meets -all that a dedicated mother would do.
Soon camps ended, swim team was over.. I heaved a sigh of relief, thinking I could finally work normal hours instead of leaving before I was fully awake in order to get back in time for activities. Packed weekends with hikes and tent camping activities.
The kids were left to their own devices during the week.. with me working from home now and then.
The kids would wake up sometime between noon and 2pm. Then play Wii (kindly loaned to us by my sis) and PS2 and then some PC. I got super tired of this within a few days. Computer is duly locked up and PS2 put away. Kids then stayed in bed until about 2-3 reading.. then played some wii.. I/dad started taking them out to play pool, tennis, bowling, pingpong...in the evenings. tiring after a day at work, but better than having to put up with Attitude after a laazzy day.
I'm really looking forward to first day of school. next year, i hope to read this post and shell out the dough for all summer camp or send them away on a vacation ;) so I can spend the time pining for them.

Over-scheduled kids Part II

alright, this is part II because I realized I'd veered off the article I was citing.. totally.. So, getting back on track..

The news article talked about the number of AP classes the kids of overachieving parents were taking in high school and in college - and the types of colleges these kids were getting into. These kids were into multiple sports such as swimming, lacrosse, tennis, holding down babysitting and other jobs, volunteering, playing in chess leagues and getting homework/projects done for challenging classes - at the cost of a few less hours of sleep. The kids thrive on a full schedule, with parents participating in peripheral support activities. All towards gaining a foothold in an ivy league school, where they'll have to slog even more.

This hits a raw nerve for me.. My kids are not in High school yet.. but my 7th grader has some HS credits already. And I've been told that he needs to take AP classes in HS in order to secure a place in a good school. I know I don't want to spend $$$$ towards college tuition.. so my preference would be for him to get at least part scholarship. And, I definitely can see myself wanting him to go to a good school -though I dont really know how to discern this having studies abroad.

But, I know this, my older son did not do well in a magnet program in 4/5 grade, esp in 5th grade, a year he missed a lot of school due to family reasons and the curriculum was so rigorous that he never made up the classes he missed. And he felt a lot of pressure from other overachieving kids in his class, not because he was any worse or better, just because he did not want to do the level of work to compete with them. He is much happier in a regular middle school in 6/7th grade with a heavier schedule that some others.. He does not get straight As, but loves to learn and pushes himself to do better. He learns around his subjects, gaining depth, taking time to explore, make mistakes, learn from his mistakes. He does push me in the sense he wants to do so much. Yes, that does put him into the "overachieving" bucket, but I feel this is different.. He doesn't target his activities towards his chosen track.. but rather enjoys challenging himself, be it in sports or puttering around making tasers from wood and nails, sewing pillows for foot rest or cooking tv dinners for the family. And he does volunteer at an animal shelter because I wouldn't let him have a pet at home..
There are days I search myself to see if I am somehow doing damage in the long term.. I urge him to get 8 hours of sleep each day at the very least and limit his sport to one team sport and swimming for exercise. I almost never sit down w/ him for homework or even monitor his tests/assignments. But we do get busy with two kids doing the music/sports/homework and the younger one in scouting.
Is this justified? Sanity check.

Over-scheduled kids Part I

Recently read an an article in the local paper about over scheduled kids (guess it's that time of the year when colleges are picked and course load is determined).
I've always been bothered by this aspect, sitting on the fence. Morally, it bothers me that the only sports my children play are team/league oriented sports. Yeah, and occasionally some playtime in the community pool or shoot a few hoops. But this is definitely not the norm in our house. A game of frisbee tends to get boring if it is caught or if it gets thrown with abandon.
Our kids are in one team sport per season and one individual sport/activity. Plus music lesson, one instrument each.. some TV time, homework time.. lots of reading (biweekly treks to the public library).
This has also resulted in my kids not getting involved in a clique (sp?) - used to be not too unhappy with the situation since they can stay out of trouble.. some kids apparently get into due to not involving themselves in afterschool activities (heresay).
And since these kids don't go out everyday, they are unable to just go out and play when they can with the clique kids.?
Whenever they approach some of their friends from school on the evenings they are free, their friends are busy with their activities -with literally no overlapping free time.

Motivating your children

I recently got some advice from an experienced mother whose children are now grown up and successful in life.
Her words to me were as follows (paraphrased):

• Do not spend all your time managing your children. There is no end to it and you are not doing anyone any favors by this. Do your part and let your children do theirs. In her case, she would leave to do some volunteer work on weekends leaving her children with chores or schoolwork, which she expects to be done when she gets back. The children have the freedom to schedule their time accordingly.
• Do not spend time nagging your children to do their work. If you limit their work to two activities and emphasize education, everything will get done and your children will not be a "jack of all trades.. master of none".
• It'll all work out. You only have to provide the motivation and encouragement.

Definitely made me think... I will try to:

• treat my pre-teen and teen as individuals who need guidance and motivation. (I feel sometime we end up treating colleagues and neighbors better than we treat our own kids)
• allow my kids to express their needs and let them schedule their work (help with the scheduling maybe)
• give my children the opportunity to show they can motivate themselves
• definitely expect more from my children (self motivation) from now on.. without being disappointed if they don't do as much as I'd have liked them to do.

The last sentence will need to be rewritten someday to clarify. A disconnect between my thoughts and the words - guess I need to think this through some more.

I am not who I want to be!!

Here's how the conversation went one morning at the breakfast table:

S: My friend B is allowed to play PS2 everyday, while we (his bro and him) are only allowed in summer and school break. It's unfair!!

Me: Well, your buddy C does not own a PS2.

S: Well I am not C!

Me: Well you are not B either!

S: But you see, I want to be B, but you won't let me! You are trying to make me someone I am not!

Big bro A: Exactly! Me too! you are making us someone who we are not!

Launcher book

I was casually skimming through a book when a sentence caught my attention. The author mentions that an individual's love for reading stems from one or two books. This can happen in various stages of life -from childhood to adulthood. Got me chewing my lip..
I can definitely think back to the first books I've read and enjoyed so much that I had to keep reading the entire series. My launcher books would be Enid Blyton's Famous Five series. Growing up I used to absolutely loathe history until I started reading Tintin and Asterisk comics.
My older son's launcher book was The Foot Book by Dr.Seuss. In fact, I can still remember all the words in order!. He also loved a four box set of the Busytown books by Richard Scarry esp., the Firefighter's Busy Day.
As for my younger one, he never let us read to him as a baby, would grab the book out of our hands and make up a story from the pictures. But one day he discovered Tintin and Asterisk. He was hooked! Now he is a voracious reader, appreciating the difficulty in reading Huck Finn in original, willing to work at it.
Comic Book to Classics is not an impasse. I still long for an Banana sundae a la Archie comics while reading Breton - although I do not really like the complicated tastes in a sundae nor the complicated images in Breton (hopefully my prof is not reading this!).
To me this illustrates how serendipitious reading can be. As parents, we can only expose the children to a variety of books and let the children take it from there.

Reading and writing

Back from a long break. After a tough class, I almost swore off of reading and writing. But old habits die hard. I've written on many topics just in my head, now that I sit down to blog, I have memory loss. Guess I didn't put it on autosave ;)
Anyhow.. school's winding down here. Summer reading begins. We always diligently sign up at the local library for summer reading, but so far have never filled out the log -obviously nothing to turn in. Why not? you ask..
My kids have never willingly written anything. They love to read and I've been able to discuss with them some of the few I've also read, but when asked to write, it will somehow get set aside. At school, most assignments have a scoring rubric. The older one follows it to the T! "It only says two sentences, you know! no extra points for an extra sentence!".
My lecture that a rubric is a helpful tool to help cover all important aspects of the topic is met with a silence from the sofa - the kids have long disappeared at the beginning of my sentence!
So, I gave up. My excuse, writing is to put down original thoughts on a subject. Children do not have enough experience to draw from their frame of reference to write about a book. They may enjoy the work, but do not have much to say about it.
Plus today's writing in a business world is all powerpoint using bulleted entries anyway..
Sour grapes?

Children Learn What they Live

The parent Checklist made me think of this poem. I first read this poem posted on the fridge at one my friend's house several years ago. I really liked the words in it. It is often difficult to remember to follow, but the words make a lot of sense.

Children Learn What They Live

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn what envy is.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

If children live with encouragement, they learn to be confident.

If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to find love in the world.

If children live with recognition, they learn to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn to be generous.

If children live with honesty and fairness, they learn what truth and justice are.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those around them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If children live with serenity, they learn to have peace of mind.

With what are your children living?

-Dorothy L. Nolte

Visit to a museum

DC is famous for the museums - a veritable treasure trove. I see folks from all over the world on the metro really excited to visit the museums in DC, all gratis thanks to the Smithsonian.
I've dragged the kids to a few over the years - a feeling of guilt to live so close and not take advantage of the opportunity drove me to cajole, threaten and bribe them into submission. Granted, the first thing we do is to visit the cafeteria, followed by a room and a half of reading and admiring, then we head outside, frisbee in hand!! Figure something is better than nothing.
The past year, my older one has found his voice.. as in "Forget it!" (My bleating of "we never talked like this to our elders" fell on deaf ears).
So, this year, the spring tourists came in with children (happy faces from what I could tell) in tow.. I came home and called a meeting with the kids and told them how much people spend on hotels and airfare to be able to visit some musuems.. Now I had the older one's attention. He wanted to maximize his return.. but can he put up with boredom just to take advantage of a vacation savings?! I could see his resolve wavering a little..
We made a bargain, we'd only visit two wings and then they'd get their ice cream and frisbee, plus lunch at the cafeteria!
In the musuem, I gave the older one the camera. He went through and photographed every item in the two wings and agreed to do another museum to boot. Of course, he got his food. He didn't even complain when we got home later than planned and he missed half his baseball practice!
I guess he just needed to see the museum through the camera's viewfinder!

Parenting checklist

I recently read someplace about a parenting checklist/rules for effective parenting.. I will try to recall a few that got impinged on my brain.

1. Make peace with your child's personality and accept the child for who (s)he is.
(big one for me)
2.Make it a point to listen to your child. (practice what you preach and they will reciprocate).
3.Make one-on-one time with your child - give it 100% attention, do not take that phone call or check your email one last time before you begin. I know I will never get to my appointment with my child once I pick up my laptop.
4.Never let your child hear your talk negatively of him/her to another (even to your spouse).
5.Don't compare your child with a friend/brother/sister

Feel free to add your own..

Kite festival

It is an annual ritual with us. Mother and children pack up kites and a picnic lunch and head off to the Mall to attend the kite festival. Early spring the Smithsonian sponsers the annual kite festival on the capital Mall (a gorgeous piece of grassy area between the museums, stretching from the tidal basin to the capitol).
It is usually cold, but sunny and windy, ideal kite weather.
Thousands of people are gathered with kites of all kinds and shapes, from simple kites from the drugstore (ours) to splendid 3-D ones.
They also have kite shows and competitions in various categories. Cherry blossom festivities are also on during this time.
My kids absolutely love it and look forward to this day. Kites get tangled every now and then.. the kids put their heads together with the other party and sort it out. By the end of the day, the kites are torn, string knotted up here and there. We get hot pretzels and ice cream from the street vendor and wearily head back home negotiating the metro crowd, a few more happy faces -seldom seen during weekdays.
This year, I got two kites for the kids each and D picked up some extra string a few days early. But of course, one had to be opened right then and flown in the backyard and S lost one to the wind, string holder and all.. A held on tight apparently. The morning of the festival D got one more for S since he didn't have a spare.. The idea was to replace the torn one with a new one.
But that didn't happen. The kids flew their kites till they were in tatters with two new unopened ones in the bag. We walked around, flying some more near the monument. walked over to the tidal basin to admire the cherry blossoms. Lunched and Snacked. Headed home near sunset.
Kids promised each other that resume kite flying once they got home.

As we were walking to the metro, a mother/son came up to me and asked if she could buy a kite somewhere on the mall. I told her I didn't think so and that we'd brought ours from home.The older one had wandered away so I figured I'd check with S to see if he'd be willing to give up his tattered, but still good, kite - so that he could use the new one at home.
To my surprise, he didn't want to -saying I could give away the new one if I wanted to, but that the tattered one was his BEST kite.
go figure! Mommy's protective instincts were all wrong.
As usual, we now have notebook paper kites in every room -in preparation for next year?? or rather prolonging this year!!

Crow eating a stolen crispy vada

On my way back home last nite, there was a woman with two little boys - ages probably around 5 and 2. There were few people in the bus since it was late. The older boy asked me if I had a basketball in my backpack, to which I said:
"No, I have books"

He: I don't believe you, can I see..

Me: Sure.. I opened my backpack and gave him the "Trials of Life: Natuaral History of Animal Behavior" with lots of pictures of animals.

The kids were pleased and thumbed through the book, involving his mother and occasionally asking me some questions as to what those animals were..

We came upon a picture of a wolf eating a deer in its mouth. The kid asked his ma

Mammy, why is he eating the deer?

Mommy looked up, slightly surprised to see my face, while saying: "because that is his food.. Mmm.. deliciouso!"

The kid, reconciled, said: "because he is hungry mommy"

I realized the mother had seen my face reflect a level of disgust at this picture. And then I realized I used to cherish the memory of a mental picture of a crow eating a vada so much.

Mmm.. crispy vada fried by the old woman and sold on the roadside.. (although, it was something we were never allowed to enjoy!)

Promised myself that I would make some (no, a lot) crispy vadas soon for my kids (without the guilt) real soon!

Chef du jour

The older one loves to cook. After all, his favorites are all male! Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batali, his daddy...

He started making small stuff as early as 7 or 8. Salads, frozen treats, peanut butter or nutella cookies. A few years ago, he started helping out with rotis on the tawa and recently puris in oil. He also loves to sit us all down and make a full meal from scratch.

I used to let him since I figured the kitchen needed to be cleaned anyway ;)

Nowadays, his cooking gets fancier -from cookbooks or his own concoction. His secret ingredients being potato, some spice mixture from the boxes I have in the fridge and his American twist - cheese and ketchup!

He has made atta flour and made cups out of them -filled with cooked potato, beans, carrot sabji - baked and topped with some cheese and ketchup. Plated one for each person - with a ring of ketchup, mint chutney etc.

Mostly edible ;)

Getting kids to do work in the house

Getting my older one to do work in the house has always been an issue - especially if it is on his own. But I was really surprised how much he is willing to do work, if he feels he is doing work that is part of the "family goal" of what needed to be done. I was making chapati one day and I just casually asked him to help me roll the rest of the chapatis, while I cooked them. He did, without negotiation for benefits. After dinner, I even got him to help me sweep the floor, as long as I finished off with a dust pan. I was so tickled by the amount of help he was doing, not to mention the positive attitude with it, I gave him the title of "helper of the day."

My younger one who is usually the more helpful one, showed a bit of jealousy...

My usual tendency is to delve out the tasks...but sometimes they just want to spend time with you even if it is to do work. However, if you are competing with a show on TV, it becomes more difficult. :)

Friendship

It's been a learning experience for me to watch my kids grow in a foriegn country. Making friends has its challenges anyway, but it is more difficult (I think) when two kids are from different cultures. But, since we moved to where we currently are, my kids have been more at home since there is a big Indian population in our community.

So much so, that I've had one father comment to me that he is worried his son only has Indian friends and so he encouraged his son to mingle more and bring his other American and Chinese friends home for play dates.

I've never chosen my kids' friends, or so I thought -until I realized that I'd unconsciously been socializing with other Indian parents from my sons' schools over the years -sorta forcing a friendship there.

As it turned out, my older son has had other kids' around who he obligingly played with, even if they were of different temperament and had vastly different interests.

Now that he is older, he is putting his foot down and verbalizing who he wants over and who he will be polite to during a visit. That puts a damper on my entertaining and I struggle with having to make choices between which of my friends I can see etc. One option would be to have just the adults socialize in a configuration that is feasible I suppose.

But, my younger one is more gregarious and loves to have all kids over except when he is trying to pretend to be like his brother.

Meanwhile, my older son says he likes it best when he is out playing with his friends in an outdoor sport like basketball, tennis etc - a barb at my confiscation of PS2. D agrees that boys have to play a sport or PS2 to socialize unlike girls who can just get together talk, giggle, paint nails.. So, the pressure is on to bring out PS2!

But to limit playing the video game, we have to cut down the socializing anyways -since playing one day at ours and another day at yet anothers' and so on is too much.

Luckily, that works for my schedule currently. But come summer, it's going to take some creative thinking on my part!!

Come to think of it, my parents never socialized or met my (nor my siblings') friends' parents!!! We turned out ok -right!?

Bullying

I meant to attend the parent seminar on bullying at my son's school, but missed it. I'm told bullying is pretty common in middle school years.
My kids have been bullied some. The older one acts tough and can get pretty aggressive when messed with, so he is not typically a target. And he can bully his younger brother once in a while, when I am not around.
Boys tend not to share the fact they are being targeted with their parents. Some signs that the kid is being bullied include:

• not wanting to go to school
• coming back home later, after other kids have left
  
• walking when a school bus is available
• not wanting to go to lunch period
• unexpected wounds, which he is unwilling to explain etc.

My theory is that a bullied kid can be deeply scarred and can still feel victimized as an adult. My younger one is protected right now with a few skirmishes once in a while. Wonder how he'll fare in a few years when he starts the Middle school years!!

Summer vegetable patch

About 4 years ago, I started a summer patch for growing our own vegetables. I figured it'd serve as a lesson in botany to my kids. So I grew tomato, capsicum, chilli peppers and eggplant. Got a hibiscus tree and grew okra.
The plants grew well and I tried in vain to interest my kids in Solanaceae and Malvaceae -to no avail. Soon the Japanese beetles arrived in hordes. My plants were soon overwhelmed. I told the kids the story of "Pari Vallal" - the one who gave up his golden (for more effect) chariot to a slender creeper (jasmine?? the plant name varied in my various renderings).
But the older one was ecstatic. He found a way to drown the beeltes in soap water since I refuse to use chemical pesticides. He found other bugs including some earthworms and others whose names/phyla/class/order eluded me. He informed himself of how the earthworm droppings look.
He started collecting matchboxes emptied and filled with insects. He even tried to freeze one in our freezer saying he was going to study cryogenics - until I threatened him with accidentally dropping them into his dinner plate.. He'd even tried to see if an earthworm could really regenerate itself when cut in two.
He'd just walked into an incorrect class!

teenager

The older one was 11 going on 13. The next year he was 12 going on 13. Easy to offend. Tears for no reason (at least one obvious to me!) and tempers.
New patterns to test my patience, but also a test for my confidence in being able to guide/mentor - since I botched it up so bad.
I've been angry in return, very angry, screaming, punishing by banning outings/tv/video games, retaught myself counting, forced myself to be patient, explaining the right and wrong, ..
Nothing helped!
Googled key words. Ended up scaring myself silly over "teenage kids running away from homes"..
Found some comfort in praying to a forgotten god.
These incidents would come out of the blue, last a couple of disruptive days. Solved by my cooking a favorite food which would be devoured after a day's semi-starving or consuming junk when I was not looking.
Then one day, a new insight came - not sure how or from where - Just ignore him - the voice said! And that's what I did from then on. An incident never got escalated. Temper tantrums became more infrequent and soon stopped -maybe because he was finally a teen - 13 going on 13.
Now every once in a while, we'd hear a banging door - I'd go about my business as usual. About a half an hour later -we'd be back to normal without the need for a bribe nor punishment nor harsh words being exchanged.

Pulianga -Raw Tamaind pod

I found pulianga in the local korean store - in small bunches with the leaves attached. So I bought some home - mainly to show the kids the pleasure of eating the raw pod. Figued i'd make a pacchadi if I find a recipe for it.
The older one was more open to it.. so much so, that he asks Dad just as he walks in if he knew what it was. D tells him some tales associated with the tree - ghosts etc.
I remember the days at school, we made up ghost stories to scare other kids, scaring ourselves in the process, since at some point we started to believe in our creations.
We all had a laugh over "don't play in the veyl. play in the pulyamarthu neyl"
Anyway, they found the taste to be unique, but unpalatable to their palate. A can eat raw puli (the fruit of the green pod as I explained to the kids) once in a while. They can also devour raw mango with salt and chilli pepper.
all's not lost after all..
I munched on a piece and didn't really like it - tasted familiar but differeent. Guess that is the difference transportation and shelving at the store can make.
Segue to our summer patch.. :)

Karate class

I'd been chewing on enrolling the 9 year old in karate for a few years now. I know I am crazy to add one more thing to my list of things to do.. but it was a half hour class once or twice a week.. figure a pit stop on my way somewhere.

My reasons for karate was to improve neuromuscular coordination to my younger one. Not that he is dysfunctional.. probably my wanting to get him to be able to hurry up sometimes.

and it may help him stand up for himself when he is pushed. He is too much of a gentle soul..

A mother's protective instincts I su'pose.

Anyway, there are about 3-4 karate schools in the area.. Made an appointment for one since they refused to give me details over the phone. He had an intro lesson on courtesy and some basic taekwondo moves from the black belt student-turned instructor - who couldn't stop yawning the entire 45 minutes.. but S was impressed. He was eager to obey the master..

I was also interviewed as to why I wanted my son to learn Karate.
According to them, Karate helps with getting better grades at school due to the discipline it instils (my thoughts were "better than Ritilin")..
it helps them stay secure since they talk about not putting up with inappropriate behavior from others.. (having gone through the tough talk for cub scouts with S, I am more than happy to give it up to someone else)
It helps the kid get stronger (yah.. that's what I want..)
It helps them stay fit (nothing wrong with that!)
It gives them something to work towards with belt advancement (true)
It teaches them discipline by respoding to a parent's request for the first time, looking someone in the eye when talking etc.. (although I don't currently have a problem with the latter with S, I can emphatically relate to that complaint.. and any help with the former's gotta be good)

So.. do it.. it seems to be the magical cure to all evils..

But I had nagging doubts about their sincerity or their power to influence all of this. I was pushed into signing up that very day for 6 months.. which I resisted. I also resisted the free uniform push in lieu of one free month etc. I was never given accurate pricing, just how much I would save and what my initial check would be.. I got the feeling that this would be quite an investment.

In anycase, I called my neighbor and friend after I got home to ask where she was taking her son.. She warned me against this very place.. they'd recently dropped out after getting sucked in for 6 mo. Fees were set at whim depending on how deep you'd gotten yourself into. Belt exam fees were high (and of course which parent would not want their ward to go to a higher belt).

My insticts were right after all. But S is now disappointed. I thought to myself -what a shame it has to be like this..

I'm not impressed with another spot where a lot of his friends go. I see more brawn and very little discipline with the students. In fact, I feel the kids are much more aggressive because of it.

The place where the kids have gone off and on through the county is crowded -but the price is right.. in line with the amount of committment required from me to push S to practice. Plus it 's some activity even if he doesn't ever get to a black belt. plenty of time for that!

discouraging to say the least.. But it made me realize there is no magical cure. A lesson learned for me..

but looking at the "donut", I can work on the disciple part at home. I should be able to achieve at least 10% of what they are attempting since I have more at stake.

more jobs - business

The older one has announced that he really needs a job this summer. No more camps amma..

suits my pocketbook!

He made out coupons for "like frequent flyer rewards" car washes/lawn mowing etc and hands one signed and dated to his dad.

He washed both cars on a 40 deg day while I was predicting that I'd slip and slide the next morning in the aftermath of this car wash. Luckily, the wind was strong and mustve drived the water..

So.. now I have to listen to daily plans of "what I can do"... We happened to watch a Seinfeld where George loses his job because he tells off his boss and he mopes around with Seinfel as to "Maybe I could do..". One reason I'm such a Seinfeld fan!

Paying job

My older son has been wanting to work to get paid for the past few years.

He had gone through various iterations of this since he was young.

He had a lawn mowing business when he was only 6 years old. My neighbors would give him whatever change they had in the pockets.. sometimes a lot.

He took orders from my relatives for a wood table he was going to build for them -custom made.

He charged less than the material we had to buy, but then it wasn't his money buying the material. He made 100% profit! I soon put an end to the carpentry business since he was soon wanting to buy power tools so he could bump of the quantity of orders. I didn't trust a 10 year old with a power saw!

He then made flyers for a pet sitting business until I put my foot down - my opinion being pets are outside, we are inside.

He wanted to do the paper route. Knee jerk reaction from me -the speed bump- was "no". I am not getting up at 3am to drive you around. He then says, he would bike around. I don't see how that would work in a big city like ours.

Yesterday, he approached his kumon instructor, wanting to work there.. Poor lady, she was put on the spot, but she said she would think about it. To him, this sounded better than what he has been hearing from me.. So he now thinks he has a job!

On my way back, I talked to him about the slippery road he was riding on - both physically and metaphorically speaking last nite :) , how his studies would get affected etc etc. He goes, "aw.. no one cares about your grade if you're a millionaire!" What!! How does one get a million $$ with a "lemme think about it job at kumon!" Definitely this kid is not wanting in the "dreaming department".

He has asked for an allowance -firmly refused - off and on.. but hasn't been persistent. So, I know it is not the money that is the motivation! It is the Independence or the wanting to test waters at work.

Others that know him well have asked me not to slow him down -Americans mind you. This is definitely not an Indian mentality. I suppose that is how Michael Dells are made while Brahminis like me think about what we need to cook for dinner that nite.

helping (making) kids excel academically

Today's Washington Post had an article titled "One Dad's Campaign to Save America" by J.Matthews. It is about a dad who having travelled to India and China is on a mission to push his children to learn more and more to compete with
the Indian and Chinese kids, who he perceives are pushed by their parents to study much more than what is required of the school. The Dad's children are in private school and are doing well -but they get tutored after-school in order to excel.. Matthews assures his readers that Americans will always do whatever it takes to get to the top.
I don't know how it is in India now.. I suspect that kids there do a lot of school work.
Back when I was a kid, school was a breeze.. a bore sometimes for me.. I spent most of my childhood dreaming. I do wish I'd toiled more, learnt a little more when I had the time.. but I pay for it now, with mudiyor kalvi.
Seriously, I only understood what it meant to study when doing my BSc. and I grew out of my childhood doing my MA, where for the first time I was held accountable for everyone's mood swings.
Anyhoo.. as a videsi aka indian parent, I push my kids to study only because:
the public schools in early classes do not challenge the kids at all. Things are too easy. Some differentiation is offered to kids that've mastered the class material.
My older son, being one of the older kids in his class, one that benefitted immensely from montissori preschool (original intent for the preschool was to allow me to work and it was very close to our home), qualified for differentiated material, which was also too easy for him. Thus started my "encouragement" or "push". That's when we started him off with Kumon to help him learn something new.
I think I push mainly with sports since I found they were lacking some of the free exercises of my youth, such as climbing trees or running around playing marangotthi/mudugu puncture.
And of course, they have to have music.. That is a must in my opinion. So, having tried vocal carnatic with the older one with DK (absolute disaster since he refused to open his mouth), switching to Veena (ordering one from madras by mail) and dragged him to class an hour away.. finally figured it was too much for me.. I even did a stint at a conservatory based on a visiting musician's recommendation..
Anyway.. now they are doing western instruments locally - reluctantly- I might add. I am their practice police.
does that make me pushy? But I don't think what I do is to enable to beat others- to be the best.
I just don't think like that..
My desire is to do something for their sake, knowing the opportunity to learn is now. When they are older, it is really tough to pick up something new due to lack of time and timidness.
Anyway.. the link to the article is below:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/11/AR2008021100644.html?hpid=news-col-blog

chores

I am not a chore master.. god knows I've tried to be. My kids just ignore me or point fingers at each other.

why is he not doing anything huh.. pretending to do homework, that's what he is doing..
what about him, he is enjoying life on the sofa..
but.. he is doing so little, while I..

And the trash, forget it, neither will take out the (stinky -to them) thing!..

In the end rather than argue.. I give in. Once in a while, while I am doing dishes, I pick on whoever is within my eyesight to empty the clean dishes.

But, I realized that I am one of those needy persons. If i am cooking and the kids are around, they are asked to bring this from the refrigerator in the garage (unsavory task since it is too cold somedays) or get this/that for me etc. so much so, that the kids stay well away from me.. out of sight and hearing (easier nowadays with a itunes gizmo hanging from their ears)

hanh.. what did you say? you want what?

But I wonder if I should somehow persist - is doling out and ensuring that it gets done a parental responsibility? Am I somehow making my kids lazy by not assigning chores?

I have some friends who seem so much in control.. their kids have set chores like emptying dish washer, setting out trash and making their beds everyday, to vacuuming their rooms, cleaning out their rooms etc.

My kids share a bedroom - so I can't seem to say.. clean out your side of the bedroom -thereby creating a divide..
D makes their bed every morning and I pickup kids books andother debris strewn around when I get a chance, thinking they should be doing this..

Whenever D does chores, the kids seem to love hanging out and helping him. The older one gets paid in the summer to do the lawn - and ours is difficult to mow since it has swales.. He loves to shovel snow and can stay out with daddy doing that.. (doesn't last long when I shovel).

I wonder - is it a male bonding thing? hmm..

on the flip side, my older son will sit me down and make the family an entire meal of chappati flour in the shape of a cup or samosa, stuffed with veggies.. or one of his other concoctions. The younger one will bring me a foot rest, put my feet up, bring me a book to read and generally wait on me..

When I really need a room cleaned or something moved, they are ready to chip in and help.. like the marathon 3 hour cleaning that happened right before a cub scout meeeting I hosted, that I moved to the basement at the last minute since the kids were going to be painting.. both kids moved the earth to get us ready!

the older one has a stash of bulbs and will change out any he sees out without asking or being asked.. figured that out when we found a lot were popping. turns out he wasn't paying attention to the max. voltage, until D explained it to him.

still there is that nagging feeling - do regular chores really matter? Bah. it is too much of a chore to enfore compliance!!

Total Meltdown

Last night was a tough one.. Everyone stayed up too late Sunday nite watching superbowl.. I got home just in time to run my older one to the pool -from where I had to run him over to piano.. The little one was home, reading. D was cooking dinner.. Got home at 8:40 to have the older one call a classmate for homework assignment followed by a search for online textbook..
So, it was 9:30 when I turned my attention to the younger one, who had a tough homework - he had to conduct an interview of a parent and he was waiting for me.
The interview part went ok, joking all around.. especially the part when I told him I would sleep until 2:30pm and take midday naps before I had kids. He took "notes", a newly acquired skill, saying it had to be brief.
But, by the time it came time to putting the stuff down on paper, he was tired and found that his "notes" were a little too brief maybe.. but he bravely attempted. He had written a few words, before he had a total meltdown... saying how much he hated school work, where he had to work so hard, write so much and so on..
It threw me off totally.. I was tired also.. I should have supported him, hugged him.. but instead I told him off.. saying he was sitting on his work until this late and all of a sudden he starts crying.. while I had to go here, there..
After about a minute, I realized the child was just frustrated at the task at hand. So.. I sent him up to shower and bed, telling him I would wake him up 30 minutes early in the morning, when he could finish up.
He meekly complied. He was up and early in the morning (I guess appreciative of the fact that I didn't escalate the event) and finished up his work in under 10 minutes.
whoever said postponing makes matters worse..!

Nuggets..

Nuggets of advice from a mother to her child.. a life's lesson maybe.
Why now?
Just as food is most appreciated when one is hungry, some words make sense at certain points in life..
For whom?
These words cannot be appreciated by my children at this point in life.. but hopefully someone , somewhere may benefit.. and maybe one day my children will read these words.
So here goes..

One can only really control what one does. It is foolish to think one can control others. Even if you succeed, you may have won the battle, but lost the war.

There are a lot of unhappy people waiting for change in others or hoping to change others. My take would be to evaluate a situation on what you can do, accept what you have no control over or take action to situate yourself to what is comfortable for you. The world can use one less whiner.. (believe me, I'm one of those some days :)).

Jealosy? Don't think so..

We just celebrated my older one's birthday a few days ago. He had a swim meet he had to go to that afternoon, so D took him, while I stayed home with the younger one to glare at him if he took his eyes off his kumon.
The younger one had been begging to go to the library.. so I took him after stopping at Kumon to drop off his work. He began negotiating how many books he was allowed to take etc. the minute he got in the car. At the library, I puttered around the used books while S went about getting his books. After a while, I wandered over to find him deep into a book, and he had two more in front of him... I sighed in relief, prematurely as it turns out. He had a big stack on his side!!
Anyway.. I gave my usual warning about not reading in the car, lest he spoil his eyesight etc etc. As we left the library, I asked S if we could stop at Classic to pick up a cake for his brother. He wanted to be dropped off at home before I went on my own.. But, I protested, we are half-way there! Why don't you want to go along?
Because.. he seemed to think for a moment and then brightly announced.. I'll get Jealous!, that's why. Please, could you drop me off at home??
Jealous! Him! He is the most unambitious kid I've come across (much more than me, that's saying something)
I later realized that poor boy figured out he'd get into trouble were he to tell me he needed to get back to his book! Boy! can he think on his feet!

Memories of a child's childhood..

I still remember brushing my children's teeth first with a special baby toothpaste with a timble toothbrush, then with a cartoon toothbrush.
I was super glad when they finally both graduated to brushing on their own. But, I soon found I still had to supervise. So, my first question to them being: "Did you brush?" then, "Here, let me see".. and I proceed to sniff into their mouths (yes, really!).. I send them back up if I am able to see any scarapable piece on the surface or gum or if I am unable to smell the fresh mint smell of the toothpaste.
Anyway.. I leave early in the am.. and I cannot hope to communicate this to D, although to his credit, he does ask once in a while..
I'd been working long hours and one recent morning, I decided to take it easy and leave a little late. I left just as my younger one was coming down for his breakfast. Hearing the garage door open, he ran out in a hurry, gesticulating.
I rolled down the window, slightly irritated at the delay.. He comes up to the car and opens his mouth wide. I couldn't figure out what happened thinking maybe he had a cold sore or somthing. He then says: "Amma, I brushed, here check!"
I opened the door and came around to check his mouth and give him a big hug! I decided that parenting had its perks after all!

What's in a name?

It took some getting used to - the concept of a middle name.
My own name being all mixed up with a theory of all first born and all male children being given grandfather's name as a prename, with the surname as an initial.
To add to the confusion, my uncle apparently wrote a really horrible name out with rice, on the namekaram day, without consulting my parents. (Those days, my dad probably saw me first on that day, and obviously they never prepared for or rehearsed this function!)
And my maternal grandparents decided to call me by another name of their choosing, before my dad set his foot down to name me something else.
I now answser to a half a dozen names and a dozen derivatives! (So much so, that my kids have to ask me "What is your real name?", as if I chose to fake mine).
In this scenario, it was my turn to put my foot down, when my in-laws wanted to name me something else!!
After moving here, I now share my first name with all my male cousins on my father's side (with my male cousins (brothers also) having the same first and last name with different middle initials!

So.. when my first born was born, all family assembled to perform the namakarana on an hour's notice. According to custom, my son was given multiple names.
Once one person started, others got enthused to add a name. My son essentially got 11 names or so, which we dutifully wrote with a ring dipped in honey, which my 11-day old son lapped up gleefully!
Anyway, the Birth Certificate had a first name and a last name according to local tradition.
The older one, now in pre-school, is asked by his teacher for his middle name, so that she could write out his certificate. He tells her : "Robin Hood".
His teacher, a wise older lady, is a littel suspicious and calls me at work to confirm. I then ramble on that, although he has 11 names, he does not have a middle name. My preschooler, learning of this, promises his teacher that when he came back from summer break, he would have a middle name.
When I pick him up that evening, he demands : "Give me a middle name, please (montessori training)"..
I talked it over with D and picked one name for each kid to serve as their middle name..
The very next day, I hauled myself up to the department of births to get their Birth Certificates. changed.
I had a hard time explaining to the woman at the counter, that I just needed to add a middle name, not change the father's name, or the last name.. It bothered me then that the girl could even think I came to change their last name..
What mothers do for their kids..
What's in a name after all! Aren't names just avatars? really! Put this way, my kids seem to finally understand!

Pets

I am not sure if this experience is limited to me or not, but from the pre-schools days on, my kids had at least one assignment each year relating to a pet. It could be "Bring a picture of your Pet" or "Write about your pet" and so on. This is from the schools where they have started being sensitive to single-parent households.. by not referring to moms and dads, but as parent.

My feelings on this were "I love animals as long as they are not in the house!".
So, I urged the children to make up their pet in the assignments. We cut out pictures of animals out of store commercials. and so on..
As they grew up, they visit households that have pets and the minute they come back, the attack starts.
Can we please please get a cat? - Me: No.. hairballs.. I dont want to declaw.. I dont want to smell litter..
Can we then get a dog? -Me: No.. shuddering about early morning walks on winter days (since I can guarantee that once the dog is here, it would be moi who is taking care of it), we'd have to fence our yard... immigrant families..
Can we at least get a gerbil, you dont have to declaw it or walk it.. just give it a wheel - Me: Of course not! Their arguments make sense, but I will not willingly have a rodent in the house.. something about how I grew up.
OK.. how about a horse? -Me: Well.. I'd have to move out to make room!

Well, one winter, I finally caved in and bought a fish bowl with a goldfish and a fighter fish. I spent hours in front of it, just watching them move around. To cut a long story short, they both died of shock when I changed the water one cold, snowy night, when I did not have any bottled water left and used tap water.
End of my pet days.. Next one is maybe a turtle.
As luck would have it, D rescued a turtle one morning from the middle of the road and brought it home. But he was too timid and didn't eat any of our lettuce or carrot offerings the entire day. We let him out on the lower back deck and persumably, he went on his merry way.
Still the kids' demands grew more persuasive and stronger..
We even thought about adopting a pet at a farm, where we'd go take care of the pet's needs and help groom etc, but they would house it.
My older one has to ger social service learning hours as a requirement for graduation. So, I took him to a local farm which was non-profit, which dealt with rescuring (unwanted) farm animals and chickens hatched in classroom projects. He helps out once a week, sweeping the barns, repiring fences,helping build shelters, feeding and medicating the animals etc.
The hightlight of this experience so far was when farmer let him drive a tractor (supervised of course) to clear some area! He was thrilled! I had to listen to him saying:
"oh.. the brake on your car is on the right.. on the tractor.."
but all in all, a win-win solution. I do the drop off/pick up or stick around when my younger one wants to help out with some gentler duties. I gladly write a check now and then to the farm or shop for pet food when out grocery shopping, my heart singing!
My older one get SSL hours, loves farm work, the animals benefit and I am free to roam the world (not that I do)!

Sloka Class

When my older son was around 7, I started teaching him small slokas I knew. Nothing in writing, just verbal - according to the guru-shishya parampara as I later explained. I added a speel of how some children my father's age grew up writing alphabets on sand. I don't know that for a fact, but something that seemed believable.
All I remember is digging up the sand under the teacher's bench (but that story belongs elsewhere)!

Anyway, the older one was a willing student - samatthu! A couple of months later, the older one started off saying he would only learn if his brother were to also learn.
The younger one would never sit or would be sitting upside down with legs and neck in a contorted state -giggling at the first opportunity. It ended up that he was more of a distraction than anything else.. so he was sent out.
A friend visited and wanted to send her daughter to the "class".. so it turned out we had a neighborhood sloka class co-op going on once a week. The kids were allowed free rein of the house in return.
The kids came willingly in order to play after the class and they learnt a lot -the younger ones by imbibing. Kids met each other in amiable circumstances without parents having to host a party to have themselves and their children meet with peers, without any class fees so parents aren't yelling at them to practice at home..
I also started transcribing the songs/slokas into English - did an ok job keeping in mind the ease of being able to read vs the actual words in sanskrit etc. Upper cases were used when I felt like it etc..
The high point was when my older son at his poonal answered exclamations of his clarity in chanting mantrams with "my mom taught me how to speak sanskrit words!".
Then more kids came and it got a little chaotic with some kids bringing in video games into class etc.. And the after-class playing became a little more rough with the older ones fighting and pushing the younger ones. My kids were complaining that some kids were not being respectful of their property and jumped on their beds, broke a few lights.. Some parents dropped off the kids at the curb and went out since they were not within walking distance, I was baby-sitting, feeding on demand etc, unable to reach the parents.. After a couple weeks of this.. I had to put and end to this after-class playing - the sloka attendance dwindled as a result, slowly but surely.
One day, I figured that there was no more point in making myself available when no one else wanted to do this .. so with a heavy heart it ended.
And as my older son says "I know way too many slokas already.. I don't really want to become a priest anyway.."!
But once in a while, my younger (the yakker) one would say "you know I liked the sloka class -too bad we don't have it anymore." - even though he never learnt anything for the better part of the 3+ years we had it going!"

videsi-parent

Well, the name of this blog is a little tongue-in-cheek. Having moved to this country some 15 years ago.. got married and had kids.. I've been accused of re-creating my childhood for my kids right from teaching them slokas, yoga asanas (what little I know), songs including our famous Surangani.., kolams with arisi maavu (I got kolam and rangoli powder since then to not tempt critters to make their home in ours)..
We didn't miss any festivals early one.. and followed all rituals from both telugu and tamil sides.. tottil, naamakaranam, mottai, star birthdays, poonal.. done with more rigor than I've seen in India. We'd religiously bring ourselves and the kids to India every other year, until recently we are unable since the kids have stuff going on in summer (camp they now want to go to, swim team etc) and taking off during the schoolyear now is very difficult.
I bought them dried Elanthampazham (tasted awful), sugar cane whenever i can find a dried looking sorry bit, coconut water in a coconut from indian stores here (salty, but better than the canned variety with "coconut meat" -name itself is a turnoff), canned palapazham or once in a while, a real one from a korean store - although the taste is not the same..

Well anyway, just the other day, my 12 year old had an early morning swim. I picked him up to drop him off at home on my way to work. When he gets in the car, he asks "Amma, where are you originally from? My coach asked me and I told him I didn't know"..

On seeing my incredulous face, he hastily continued.. "I mean I know India.. but he wanted to know which part of India. I know appa is from Maadras and I told him that.. but you.." he trailed off..
I sigh and tell him that I am also from Madras aka Chennai now (somewhat in a lecture mood by now) I wanted to add "you should know that" but refrained.
He goes "Oh really! I thought you were from Calcutta or something"..

Maybe because my parents also moved here, he had no anchor point from my side in Madras..

so much for the videsi-parenting..!!

Rules

Lessons learned after 10+ years of struggling as a parent: (far from perfect still of course since like prokaryotes, they morph).

Rules work to set expectations
Explain consequences and be brave about enforcing consequences
- some slack is ok and desirable to get away from military-type operations.
You can even get your children involved in making rules
Some rules are non-negotiable
limit the number of rules to less than 10 (pick your battles)

Parent has to follow rules also in our house to make it work for us. For example, no TV on weekdays means no TV for parents also. Lights out at 10 means we wind up and go up, although they know we read for a while longer..

Traveling with the family

As soon as we plan a vacation, the countdown starts for, "when is vacation going to start". Not sure why we look forward to them with so much anticipation - especially when they can be the battle of the wills amongst everyone, including the adults.

We had one of those early morning flights, where we had to drag the kids out of bed at 5 am. By the time we reached our destination, rented a car and checked into the hotel it was about 1:30. Our next task was to decide where to eat. My 12 year old boldly stated that he is not going to eat unless we go to Subway. Of course my temptation with that remark was to deliberately go some place else. But since we were all tired and just wanted to eat something and no one else suggested anything else - we went to Subway.

After we ate, I spoke to my son about his attitude, my initial reaction and how disappointed I was with his attitude and lack of courtesy to others (my parents were with us too). I was surprised with his response - he apologized saying, he thinks he was a little cranky.

I was pretty impressed with his response, for him to know his self like that and recognize the issue.

I am not sure if I can schedule our flights around the kids waking times, but taking extra snacks to calm them and us down may not be a bad idea.

My promise to my kids

I will go a step further this year.. as a mother, my promise to my kids are:

• Be an enabler.
• Observe more and learn from them to help them achieve what they are capable of achieving, instead of trying to fit them into a mold made for others.
• Make time for them. Be with them 100% when I am with them (not multitasking).
• Cut down criticism to zero, instead giving useful feedback or offer solutions.
• Take good care of myself, which will make me happier and thus they will be happy seeing me happy.