We just celebrated my older one's birthday a few days ago. He had a swim meet he had to go to that afternoon, so D took him, while I stayed home with the younger one to glare at him if he took his eyes off his kumon.
The younger one had been begging to go to the library.. so I took him after stopping at Kumon to drop off his work. He began negotiating how many books he was allowed to take etc. the minute he got in the car. At the library, I puttered around the used books while S went about getting his books. After a while, I wandered over to find him deep into a book, and he had two more in front of him... I sighed in relief, prematurely as it turns out. He had a big stack on his side!!
Anyway.. I gave my usual warning about not reading in the car, lest he spoil his eyesight etc etc. As we left the library, I asked S if we could stop at Classic to pick up a cake for his brother. He wanted to be dropped off at home before I went on my own.. But, I protested, we are half-way there! Why don't you want to go along?
Because.. he seemed to think for a moment and then brightly announced.. I'll get Jealous!, that's why. Please, could you drop me off at home??
Jealous! Him! He is the most unambitious kid I've come across (much more than me, that's saying something)
I later realized that poor boy figured out he'd get into trouble were he to tell me he needed to get back to his book! Boy! can he think on his feet!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Memories of a child's childhood..
I still remember brushing my children's teeth first with a special baby toothpaste with a timble toothbrush, then with a cartoon toothbrush.
I was super glad when they finally both graduated to brushing on their own. But, I soon found I still had to supervise. So, my first question to them being: "Did you brush?" then, "Here, let me see".. and I proceed to sniff into their mouths (yes, really!).. I send them back up if I am able to see any scarapable piece on the surface or gum or if I am unable to smell the fresh mint smell of the toothpaste.
Anyway.. I leave early in the am.. and I cannot hope to communicate this to D, although to his credit, he does ask once in a while..
I'd been working long hours and one recent morning, I decided to take it easy and leave a little late. I left just as my younger one was coming down for his breakfast. Hearing the garage door open, he ran out in a hurry, gesticulating.
I rolled down the window, slightly irritated at the delay.. He comes up to the car and opens his mouth wide. I couldn't figure out what happened thinking maybe he had a cold sore or somthing. He then says: "Amma, I brushed, here check!"
I opened the door and came around to check his mouth and give him a big hug! I decided that parenting had its perks after all!
I was super glad when they finally both graduated to brushing on their own. But, I soon found I still had to supervise. So, my first question to them being: "Did you brush?" then, "Here, let me see".. and I proceed to sniff into their mouths (yes, really!).. I send them back up if I am able to see any scarapable piece on the surface or gum or if I am unable to smell the fresh mint smell of the toothpaste.
Anyway.. I leave early in the am.. and I cannot hope to communicate this to D, although to his credit, he does ask once in a while..
I'd been working long hours and one recent morning, I decided to take it easy and leave a little late. I left just as my younger one was coming down for his breakfast. Hearing the garage door open, he ran out in a hurry, gesticulating.
I rolled down the window, slightly irritated at the delay.. He comes up to the car and opens his mouth wide. I couldn't figure out what happened thinking maybe he had a cold sore or somthing. He then says: "Amma, I brushed, here check!"
I opened the door and came around to check his mouth and give him a big hug! I decided that parenting had its perks after all!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
What's in a name?
It took some getting used to - the concept of a middle name.
My own name being all mixed up with a theory of all first born and all male children being given grandfather's name as a prename, with the surname as an initial.
To add to the confusion, my uncle apparently wrote a really horrible name out with rice, on the namekaram day, without consulting my parents. (Those days, my dad probably saw me first on that day, and obviously they never prepared for or rehearsed this function!)
And my maternal grandparents decided to call me by another name of their choosing, before my dad set his foot down to name me something else.
I now answser to a half a dozen names and a dozen derivatives! (So much so, that my kids have to ask me "What is your real name?", as if I chose to fake mine).
In this scenario, it was my turn to put my foot down, when my in-laws wanted to name me something else!!
After moving here, I now share my first name with all my male cousins on my father's side (with my male cousins (brothers also) having the same first and last name with different middle initials!
So.. when my first born was born, all family assembled to perform the namakarana on an hour's notice. According to custom, my son was given multiple names.
Once one person started, others got enthused to add a name. My son essentially got 11 names or so, which we dutifully wrote with a ring dipped in honey, which my 11-day old son lapped up gleefully!
Anyway, the Birth Certificate had a first name and a last name according to local tradition.
The older one, now in pre-school, is asked by his teacher for his middle name, so that she could write out his certificate. He tells her : "Robin Hood".
His teacher, a wise older lady, is a littel suspicious and calls me at work to confirm. I then ramble on that, although he has 11 names, he does not have a middle name. My preschooler, learning of this, promises his teacher that when he came back from summer break, he would have a middle name.
When I pick him up that evening, he demands : "Give me a middle name, please (montessori training)"..
I talked it over with D and picked one name for each kid to serve as their middle name..
The very next day, I hauled myself up to the department of births to get their Birth Certificates. changed.
I had a hard time explaining to the woman at the counter, that I just needed to add a middle name, not change the father's name, or the last name.. It bothered me then that the girl could even think I came to change their last name..
What mothers do for their kids..
What's in a name after all! Aren't names just avatars? really! Put this way, my kids seem to finally understand!
My own name being all mixed up with a theory of all first born and all male children being given grandfather's name as a prename, with the surname as an initial.
To add to the confusion, my uncle apparently wrote a really horrible name out with rice, on the namekaram day, without consulting my parents. (Those days, my dad probably saw me first on that day, and obviously they never prepared for or rehearsed this function!)
And my maternal grandparents decided to call me by another name of their choosing, before my dad set his foot down to name me something else.
I now answser to a half a dozen names and a dozen derivatives! (So much so, that my kids have to ask me "What is your real name?", as if I chose to fake mine).
In this scenario, it was my turn to put my foot down, when my in-laws wanted to name me something else!!
After moving here, I now share my first name with all my male cousins on my father's side (with my male cousins (brothers also) having the same first and last name with different middle initials!
So.. when my first born was born, all family assembled to perform the namakarana on an hour's notice. According to custom, my son was given multiple names.
Once one person started, others got enthused to add a name. My son essentially got 11 names or so, which we dutifully wrote with a ring dipped in honey, which my 11-day old son lapped up gleefully!
Anyway, the Birth Certificate had a first name and a last name according to local tradition.
The older one, now in pre-school, is asked by his teacher for his middle name, so that she could write out his certificate. He tells her : "Robin Hood".
His teacher, a wise older lady, is a littel suspicious and calls me at work to confirm. I then ramble on that, although he has 11 names, he does not have a middle name. My preschooler, learning of this, promises his teacher that when he came back from summer break, he would have a middle name.
When I pick him up that evening, he demands : "Give me a middle name, please (montessori training)"..
I talked it over with D and picked one name for each kid to serve as their middle name..
The very next day, I hauled myself up to the department of births to get their Birth Certificates. changed.
I had a hard time explaining to the woman at the counter, that I just needed to add a middle name, not change the father's name, or the last name.. It bothered me then that the girl could even think I came to change their last name..
What mothers do for their kids..
What's in a name after all! Aren't names just avatars? really! Put this way, my kids seem to finally understand!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Pets
I am not sure if this experience is limited to me or not, but from the pre-schools days on, my kids had at least one assignment each year relating to a pet. It could be "Bring a picture of your Pet" or "Write about your pet" and so on. This is from the schools where they have started being sensitive to single-parent households.. by not referring to moms and dads, but as parent.
My feelings on this were "I love animals as long as they are not in the house!".
So, I urged the children to make up their pet in the assignments. We cut out pictures of animals out of store commercials. and so on..
As they grew up, they visit households that have pets and the minute they come back, the attack starts.
Can we please please get a cat? - Me: No.. hairballs.. I dont want to declaw.. I dont want to smell litter..
Can we then get a dog? -Me: No.. shuddering about early morning walks on winter days (since I can guarantee that once the dog is here, it would be moi who is taking care of it), we'd have to fence our yard... immigrant families..
Can we at least get a gerbil, you dont have to declaw it or walk it.. just give it a wheel - Me: Of course not! Their arguments make sense, but I will not willingly have a rodent in the house.. something about how I grew up.
OK.. how about a horse? -Me: Well.. I'd have to move out to make room!
Well, one winter, I finally caved in and bought a fish bowl with a goldfish and a fighter fish. I spent hours in front of it, just watching them move around. To cut a long story short, they both died of shock when I changed the water one cold, snowy night, when I did not have any bottled water left and used tap water.
End of my pet days.. Next one is maybe a turtle.
As luck would have it, D rescued a turtle one morning from the middle of the road and brought it home. But he was too timid and didn't eat any of our lettuce or carrot offerings the entire day. We let him out on the lower back deck and persumably, he went on his merry way.
Still the kids' demands grew more persuasive and stronger..
We even thought about adopting a pet at a farm, where we'd go take care of the pet's needs and help groom etc, but they would house it.
My older one has to ger social service learning hours as a requirement for graduation. So, I took him to a local farm which was non-profit, which dealt with rescuring (unwanted) farm animals and chickens hatched in classroom projects. He helps out once a week, sweeping the barns, repiring fences,helping build shelters, feeding and medicating the animals etc.
The hightlight of this experience so far was when farmer let him drive a tractor (supervised of course) to clear some area! He was thrilled! I had to listen to him saying:
"oh.. the brake on your car is on the right.. on the tractor.."
but all in all, a win-win solution. I do the drop off/pick up or stick around when my younger one wants to help out with some gentler duties. I gladly write a check now and then to the farm or shop for pet food when out grocery shopping, my heart singing!
My older one get SSL hours, loves farm work, the animals benefit and I am free to roam the world (not that I do)!
My feelings on this were "I love animals as long as they are not in the house!".
So, I urged the children to make up their pet in the assignments. We cut out pictures of animals out of store commercials. and so on..
As they grew up, they visit households that have pets and the minute they come back, the attack starts.
Can we please please get a cat? - Me: No.. hairballs.. I dont want to declaw.. I dont want to smell litter..
Can we then get a dog? -Me: No.. shuddering about early morning walks on winter days (since I can guarantee that once the dog is here, it would be moi who is taking care of it), we'd have to fence our yard... immigrant families..
Can we at least get a gerbil, you dont have to declaw it or walk it.. just give it a wheel - Me: Of course not! Their arguments make sense, but I will not willingly have a rodent in the house.. something about how I grew up.
OK.. how about a horse? -Me: Well.. I'd have to move out to make room!
Well, one winter, I finally caved in and bought a fish bowl with a goldfish and a fighter fish. I spent hours in front of it, just watching them move around. To cut a long story short, they both died of shock when I changed the water one cold, snowy night, when I did not have any bottled water left and used tap water.
End of my pet days.. Next one is maybe a turtle.
As luck would have it, D rescued a turtle one morning from the middle of the road and brought it home. But he was too timid and didn't eat any of our lettuce or carrot offerings the entire day. We let him out on the lower back deck and persumably, he went on his merry way.
Still the kids' demands grew more persuasive and stronger..
We even thought about adopting a pet at a farm, where we'd go take care of the pet's needs and help groom etc, but they would house it.
My older one has to ger social service learning hours as a requirement for graduation. So, I took him to a local farm which was non-profit, which dealt with rescuring (unwanted) farm animals and chickens hatched in classroom projects. He helps out once a week, sweeping the barns, repiring fences,helping build shelters, feeding and medicating the animals etc.
The hightlight of this experience so far was when farmer let him drive a tractor (supervised of course) to clear some area! He was thrilled! I had to listen to him saying:
"oh.. the brake on your car is on the right.. on the tractor.."
but all in all, a win-win solution. I do the drop off/pick up or stick around when my younger one wants to help out with some gentler duties. I gladly write a check now and then to the farm or shop for pet food when out grocery shopping, my heart singing!
My older one get SSL hours, loves farm work, the animals benefit and I am free to roam the world (not that I do)!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Sloka Class
When my older son was around 7, I started teaching him small slokas I knew. Nothing in writing, just verbal - according to the guru-shishya parampara as I later explained. I added a speel of how some children my father's age grew up writing alphabets on sand. I don't know that for a fact, but something that seemed believable.
All I remember is digging up the sand under the teacher's bench (but that story belongs elsewhere)!
Anyway, the older one was a willing student - samatthu! A couple of months later, the older one started off saying he would only learn if his brother were to also learn.
The younger one would never sit or would be sitting upside down with legs and neck in a contorted state -giggling at the first opportunity. It ended up that he was more of a distraction than anything else.. so he was sent out.
A friend visited and wanted to send her daughter to the "class".. so it turned out we had a neighborhood sloka class co-op going on once a week. The kids were allowed free rein of the house in return.
The kids came willingly in order to play after the class and they learnt a lot -the younger ones by imbibing. Kids met each other in amiable circumstances without parents having to host a party to have themselves and their children meet with peers, without any class fees so parents aren't yelling at them to practice at home..
I also started transcribing the songs/slokas into English - did an ok job keeping in mind the ease of being able to read vs the actual words in sanskrit etc. Upper cases were used when I felt like it etc..
The high point was when my older son at his poonal answered exclamations of his clarity in chanting mantrams with "my mom taught me how to speak sanskrit words!".
Then more kids came and it got a little chaotic with some kids bringing in video games into class etc.. And the after-class playing became a little more rough with the older ones fighting and pushing the younger ones. My kids were complaining that some kids were not being respectful of their property and jumped on their beds, broke a few lights.. Some parents dropped off the kids at the curb and went out since they were not within walking distance, I was baby-sitting, feeding on demand etc, unable to reach the parents.. After a couple weeks of this.. I had to put and end to this after-class playing - the sloka attendance dwindled as a result, slowly but surely.
One day, I figured that there was no more point in making myself available when no one else wanted to do this .. so with a heavy heart it ended.
And as my older son says "I know way too many slokas already.. I don't really want to become a priest anyway.."!
But once in a while, my younger (the yakker) one would say "you know I liked the sloka class -too bad we don't have it anymore." - even though he never learnt anything for the better part of the 3+ years we had it going!"
All I remember is digging up the sand under the teacher's bench (but that story belongs elsewhere)!
Anyway, the older one was a willing student - samatthu! A couple of months later, the older one started off saying he would only learn if his brother were to also learn.
The younger one would never sit or would be sitting upside down with legs and neck in a contorted state -giggling at the first opportunity. It ended up that he was more of a distraction than anything else.. so he was sent out.
A friend visited and wanted to send her daughter to the "class".. so it turned out we had a neighborhood sloka class co-op going on once a week. The kids were allowed free rein of the house in return.
The kids came willingly in order to play after the class and they learnt a lot -the younger ones by imbibing. Kids met each other in amiable circumstances without parents having to host a party to have themselves and their children meet with peers, without any class fees so parents aren't yelling at them to practice at home..
I also started transcribing the songs/slokas into English - did an ok job keeping in mind the ease of being able to read vs the actual words in sanskrit etc. Upper cases were used when I felt like it etc..
The high point was when my older son at his poonal answered exclamations of his clarity in chanting mantrams with "my mom taught me how to speak sanskrit words!".
Then more kids came and it got a little chaotic with some kids bringing in video games into class etc.. And the after-class playing became a little more rough with the older ones fighting and pushing the younger ones. My kids were complaining that some kids were not being respectful of their property and jumped on their beds, broke a few lights.. Some parents dropped off the kids at the curb and went out since they were not within walking distance, I was baby-sitting, feeding on demand etc, unable to reach the parents.. After a couple weeks of this.. I had to put and end to this after-class playing - the sloka attendance dwindled as a result, slowly but surely.
One day, I figured that there was no more point in making myself available when no one else wanted to do this .. so with a heavy heart it ended.
And as my older son says "I know way too many slokas already.. I don't really want to become a priest anyway.."!
But once in a while, my younger (the yakker) one would say "you know I liked the sloka class -too bad we don't have it anymore." - even though he never learnt anything for the better part of the 3+ years we had it going!"
videsi-parent
Well, the name of this blog is a little tongue-in-cheek. Having moved to this country some 15 years ago.. got married and had kids.. I've been accused of re-creating my childhood for my kids right from teaching them slokas, yoga asanas (what little I know), songs including our famous Surangani.., kolams with arisi maavu (I got kolam and rangoli powder since then to not tempt critters to make their home in ours)..
We didn't miss any festivals early one.. and followed all rituals from both telugu and tamil sides.. tottil, naamakaranam, mottai, star birthdays, poonal.. done with more rigor than I've seen in India. We'd religiously bring ourselves and the kids to India every other year, until recently we are unable since the kids have stuff going on in summer (camp they now want to go to, swim team etc) and taking off during the schoolyear now is very difficult.
I bought them dried Elanthampazham (tasted awful), sugar cane whenever i can find a dried looking sorry bit, coconut water in a coconut from indian stores here (salty, but better than the canned variety with "coconut meat" -name itself is a turnoff), canned palapazham or once in a while, a real one from a korean store - although the taste is not the same..
Well anyway, just the other day, my 12 year old had an early morning swim. I picked him up to drop him off at home on my way to work. When he gets in the car, he asks "Amma, where are you originally from? My coach asked me and I told him I didn't know"..
On seeing my incredulous face, he hastily continued.. "I mean I know India.. but he wanted to know which part of India. I know appa is from Maadras and I told him that.. but you.." he trailed off..
I sigh and tell him that I am also from Madras aka Chennai now (somewhat in a lecture mood by now) I wanted to add "you should know that" but refrained.
He goes "Oh really! I thought you were from Calcutta or something"..
Maybe because my parents also moved here, he had no anchor point from my side in Madras..
so much for the videsi-parenting..!!
We didn't miss any festivals early one.. and followed all rituals from both telugu and tamil sides.. tottil, naamakaranam, mottai, star birthdays, poonal.. done with more rigor than I've seen in India. We'd religiously bring ourselves and the kids to India every other year, until recently we are unable since the kids have stuff going on in summer (camp they now want to go to, swim team etc) and taking off during the schoolyear now is very difficult.
I bought them dried Elanthampazham (tasted awful), sugar cane whenever i can find a dried looking sorry bit, coconut water in a coconut from indian stores here (salty, but better than the canned variety with "coconut meat" -name itself is a turnoff), canned palapazham or once in a while, a real one from a korean store - although the taste is not the same..
Well anyway, just the other day, my 12 year old had an early morning swim. I picked him up to drop him off at home on my way to work. When he gets in the car, he asks "Amma, where are you originally from? My coach asked me and I told him I didn't know"..
On seeing my incredulous face, he hastily continued.. "I mean I know India.. but he wanted to know which part of India. I know appa is from Maadras and I told him that.. but you.." he trailed off..
I sigh and tell him that I am also from Madras aka Chennai now (somewhat in a lecture mood by now) I wanted to add "you should know that" but refrained.
He goes "Oh really! I thought you were from Calcutta or something"..
Maybe because my parents also moved here, he had no anchor point from my side in Madras..
so much for the videsi-parenting..!!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Rules
Lessons learned after 10+ years of struggling as a parent: (far from perfect still of course since like prokaryotes, they morph).
Rules work to set expectations
Explain consequences and be brave about enforcing consequences
- some slack is ok and desirable to get away from military-type operations.
You can even get your children involved in making rules
Some rules are non-negotiable
limit the number of rules to less than 10 (pick your battles)
Parent has to follow rules also in our house to make it work for us. For example, no TV on weekdays means no TV for parents also. Lights out at 10 means we wind up and go up, although they know we read for a while longer..
Rules work to set expectations
Explain consequences and be brave about enforcing consequences
- some slack is ok and desirable to get away from military-type operations.
You can even get your children involved in making rules
Some rules are non-negotiable
limit the number of rules to less than 10 (pick your battles)
Parent has to follow rules also in our house to make it work for us. For example, no TV on weekdays means no TV for parents also. Lights out at 10 means we wind up and go up, although they know we read for a while longer..
Traveling with the family
As soon as we plan a vacation, the countdown starts for, "when is vacation going to start". Not sure why we look forward to them with so much anticipation - especially when they can be the battle of the wills amongst everyone, including the adults.
We had one of those early morning flights, where we had to drag the kids out of bed at 5 am. By the time we reached our destination, rented a car and checked into the hotel it was about 1:30. Our next task was to decide where to eat. My 12 year old boldly stated that he is not going to eat unless we go to Subway. Of course my temptation with that remark was to deliberately go some place else. But since we were all tired and just wanted to eat something and no one else suggested anything else - we went to Subway.
After we ate, I spoke to my son about his attitude, my initial reaction and how disappointed I was with his attitude and lack of courtesy to others (my parents were with us too). I was surprised with his response - he apologized saying, he thinks he was a little cranky.
I was pretty impressed with his response, for him to know his self like that and recognize the issue.
I am not sure if I can schedule our flights around the kids waking times, but taking extra snacks to calm them and us down may not be a bad idea.
We had one of those early morning flights, where we had to drag the kids out of bed at 5 am. By the time we reached our destination, rented a car and checked into the hotel it was about 1:30. Our next task was to decide where to eat. My 12 year old boldly stated that he is not going to eat unless we go to Subway. Of course my temptation with that remark was to deliberately go some place else. But since we were all tired and just wanted to eat something and no one else suggested anything else - we went to Subway.
After we ate, I spoke to my son about his attitude, my initial reaction and how disappointed I was with his attitude and lack of courtesy to others (my parents were with us too). I was surprised with his response - he apologized saying, he thinks he was a little cranky.
I was pretty impressed with his response, for him to know his self like that and recognize the issue.
I am not sure if I can schedule our flights around the kids waking times, but taking extra snacks to calm them and us down may not be a bad idea.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
My promise to my kids
I will go a step further this year.. as a mother, my promise to my kids are:
- Be an enabler.
- Observe more and learn from them to help them achieve what they are capable of achieving, instead of trying to fit them into a mold made for others.
- Make time for them. Be with them 100% when I am with them (not multitasking).
- Cut down criticism to zero, instead giving useful feedback or offer solutions.
- Take good care of myself, which will make me happier and thus they will be happy seeing me happy.
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